We met at a mutual friends' thing. Well not a mutual friend. I wasn't supposed to be there that night. But there I was. Literally right there. In the middle of the room. That's me. Giving a talk--somewhere I wasn't planning on being. And we didn't really talk that night--I didn't--well at first we didn't I didn't really know who he was--I mean I did but it wasn't like he was oprah or anyone I'd give my left eye for. We locked eyes three times throughout the night and i didn't really know you still but I knew that that meant something cuz it was three times. That's a holy number in case you didn't know. So I asked someone about you. And they told me. And I was impressed. But only a little bit. Because I'm not in the business of gassing people. So I chilled, downing my 4th vodka cranberry--no I wasn't drunk. I don't get drunk easily--and I figured you'd be the same way so we could both pretend for a while until one of us gave up the ruse--and I excused myself from the horrible conversation where I was and made my way over to you and the table you were at. I knew Erik, I knew Bo, and I knew Adam--they were friends of my friend who was hosting this whole thing. And I said hi to them first obviously. We caught up. We did the whole thing--but I kept looking at you while I was talking to them. And I thought you'd be more confident with it I really did--but you weren't. And that was okay. I thought it was cute. Were you intimidated by me? I'm gonna make that assumption because that's the one I made that night. I think at one point I was flat out staring right at you and it wasn't until you stared back that you realized--after everyone else--that I hadn't come here to ask about Erik's new client--or his dog--or his dad--but you. I'd come here for you. And you said something trying to sound smooth but it flopped--kind of. You could've told me what you'd had for breakfast and I would've been captivated. And you said your name, you asked for mine...we chatted some more. You said you liked my talk--I caught you staring at my chest several times and we sat...and the table left...and we were still chatting and I felt like I knew you that night? I felt like I was talking to someone familiar. There was no need to consciously disarm and I think you felt that too...the no need to disarm...and I--I had a problematic history with men but you--I felt comfortable around. So I thought you were gay. You had to be. You weren't rejecting me--you weren't judging me--you weren't confused by the way I spoke--you didn't think I was overwhelming. Or maybe you did--you hid it well though. And so I knew you and me would be that thing. The thing that really great stories start with. Me and you. We exchanged numbers--mainly because I think you already followed me on instagram--but we exchanged numbers and you went your way and I went mine. We talked until it was time to leave. We talked until we were lost.
You were in New York a lot that winter. And you always let me know when you'd be here--I was confused at first. Like really confused because I didn't know why you felt the need to tell me--but then we'd get dinner or I'd show you something important to me and spend hours just talking and being--we were therapy for each other. Being with you felt like therapy. Like I didn't know what time it was--like I was discovering who I was by letting you discover who I was. And vice versa. I felt like you were a part of me. Like you could stay.
Then your project here ended. But we were already too far gone to cut each other off. We dated other people--we talked about the people we were dating--you complained a lot--I pretended to care about the other guys I was seeing but no one made me feel like finding my keys after searching the whole house like you did every time. It was only you. It was always you. So we stayed like that, both of us too unwilling to let anything happen--we're both rational. We're both--mission and family over everything. So we stayed like that for a long time. Seeing each other when we were in the same city... talking occasionally--I don't know when it all changed... I think it was always changing...because it was March... and nothing ever happens in March. So it must've been built up.
I was in LA for work--we were having dinner at this place in Malibu--because you said I couldn't go home without trying it--that it'd be horrible and an abomination if I did without trying it--I think you just wanted to go out with me. But it's okay. I wanted it too. I didn't let you know because why would I--that I wasn't happy in new york anymore...that everyone I loved had scattered...that i'd been feeling for a long time that the city had built me and grown me and raised me up--that it was time for me to start somewhere else...to start being one of my later selves--anyway. We went to the place and we talked like we usually do but I think you'd been feeling something like I'd been feeling for a long time too. Like we were tied together and you knew that what I was feeling wasn't necessarily good for me because that's what the people you love do..it's what we'd always done...I think we let our souls take over that night on that dock in March...we had to have...because you drove home but it was quiet. And it was just us... and the night and the road and your stupid Chronic album that you wouldn't let me turn off...and maybe it was in between Dre and Snoop's verse but I started feeling like you were the place I needed to take root in. You were the place--I was almost certain--and maybe that revelation had some kind of charge to it...maybe it woke something up in you too...because we got inside and you were showing me how to make the perfect dirty martini and it was somewhere between me critiquing where you put your bar cart and how little liquor you put in my drink that your eyes found mine and I think our souls felt warm enough to meet to finally meet and your lips and hands found places on me that I'd hadn't let anyone find for a really long time and we were happy. We were drunk on each longing and joy--we were drunk on each other. And we revelled.
After that night...the night in March...we went back to our lives...we went back to who were were in our respective plays but we knew that our plays were coming to a close. That while we were apart connected only by our voices and the messages--that our souls were writing a new script--a new version to show Him for His permission to write in this way and we didn't know. And it just fell together. The conditions were right, one thing after another just fell into place and everything that called me to New York in the first place called me to Los Angeles. To you really.
I'm trying to show you that we weren't instructed from our flowers to love each other. It was in our roots...it was in our bones...and when it was time...when almost 9 years had passed we were ready to see it...we took off the blindfolds and finally saw the show we'd been hearing all our lives hoping to get a glimpse of.
To Michael on our wedding day.
