Stories of Poetry and Vice Versa

Parties.

Why do I️
Always feel so much
Regret
Shame
Remorse
After a party.
I️ feel like
Everything I️ say
I️ shouldn't have
Everything I️ did
I️ shouldn't have.
Everything I️ felt
I️ shouldn't have.
Why did I️ do that thing?
Why did I️ say those things?
Why did I️ bother showing up?
No one wanted me there
I️ am a wet blanket
I️ am the problem
I️ don't focus
I️ focus too much
I️ can't function
I️ don't interact
I️ sit in the corner.
A wallflower
Wilting.

I️ hate myself most after a party.
Because that's when my demons come out.
That's when I️ realize how antisocial I️ am.
That's when I️ realize how little I️ function in social situations.
That's when I️ realize how awkward I️ am.
I️ sit in the corner
And I️ listen
And I️ smile
And I️ nod and I️ laugh and I️ joke and I️ chat and I️ am there but
I️'m more focused on not pulling away.
So I'm not really there.

I️ hate myself most after a party
Because that's when I️ understand how incapable I am.
How much of a liar I️ am.
I️ hate parties.
I️ hate crowds.
I️ hate lots of people.
100 guests is too many.
50 is too many.
20 too many.
10 many.
5 is fine.
2 is great.
1 is perfect.

I️ hate myself most after a party
Because it shows me my flaws.
I'm not funny.
I'm not entertaining.
I'm not exciting.
I'm not social.
I'm too quiet.
I'm too reserved.
I'm too self-conscious.
I'm too closed off.
I'm too
Me.

I️ leave a party feeling
Exhausted
Anxious
Nervous
Hated
Ignored
Uncared for
Useless
Helpless
Antisocial
Boring
Sad
Guilty
Ashamed.
I️ leave a party feeling
Like all I️ did
Was lie
The entire night.
I️ lied that I️ was social.
I️ lied that I️ wanted to be a part of it.
I️ lied that I️ was being open.
I️ lied that I️ enjoyed it.
I️ lied that I️ was there mentally.
I️ come out of a party feeling like
I️ just lied and betrayed everyone.
People I️ care about
People I️ trust.

I️ love the people I️'m with
I️ enjoy their company
But there's something about a crowd of people
All talking at once
That makes me want to
Disappear.

I️ can't be myself at parties.
That looks like a boy
Standing in a corner
Hiding from the world
Hating that everyone's talking over each other
Sweating
Shaking
Listening
Trying to pay attention
Trying to catch every detail
But trying not to get pulled in.
The silent boy in the corner.
The wilting wallflower.
Call it what you will
But you'll never see it.
I️'m too good at lying.