Snowfalls, Fires, and Family

Snowfalls, Family, and Fires 8

"My dear, sweet, innocent children, I am sitting down to write this just as the snow is starting to fall to the ground, coating it in a thin layer of white that the sun plays over whenever the clouds let it peek through. The trees are mostly bare, the gold and yellow leaves littering the ground and getting covered in the snow already. The sky is such a pretty slate color that I almost want to pull out my camera and take pictures instead of writing this.

"Almost. But write this I must. No, not...not must. I need to, and should write this. I'm most likely going to have to read this to you instead of telling you all of this myself after all. I cannot...tell you. Not without going off on a tangent and trying to talk around what I'm trying to tell you." Tabby paused and took a slow sip of her coffee before continued, her face pinched. "When I was a young teen girl, about thirteen years of age, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. To make a long explanation short, I saw people that weren't there. I heard their voices, I smelled the perfume or cologne that they wore. My grades started to slip, and I started to pull away from the rest of the family and my friends. Hurting not only them but myself.

"Then one day it got...dark. Whispers of death and hate and murder were my constant companions. And our mother found me one day pulling my hair out of my own head and she took me to the hospital to find out what was wrong with myself. Two days spent strapped down, drugged into compliance and talking to a several doctors, I had a diagnosis. We wouldn't figure out about the bi-polar disorder that was making the schizophrenia that much worse until I was just about to turn sixteen.

"We got it under control even though at that time it was kind of an unbalanced control, as Markus often said when he was younger. With a combination of medication and therapy and careful monitoring of my mental state, I was able to start living a semi-normal life."

Tabby once more stopped. Anne leaned into her, a hand pressed over her mouth, Brian, Tristian and Markus all staring into the fire while Karla stared at the letter in horrified fascination.

"I met my first husband, the man who I still consider the love of my life, when I was seventeen, married him at nineteen and had Karla just a year later. Then I had my sweet Markus, and lost my husband soon after. I met Richard not long after and thought I had found someone new that was my new love. We had Brian, Tristian and Anne, and I truly thought that we were happy.

"But I did something that started a path that culminated into Tristian telling a teacher that I had pushed him over and hurt him, and an investigation that would lead me to going to a hospital for close to a year. I do not blame him. If that is what you think, then you are wrong. I actually...Well I wish to thank you, Tristian, for telling the teacher.

"You see, I had stopped taking the proper dosages of my medicines. I had been under constant care during my pregnancies and had to watch how many pills in what dosages I took so that they wouldn't hurt you while you were growing in me. But after Brian's, Tristian's, and Anne's birth, I started to just...ignore the pills. It was a bad decision and one that I regret because it got bad again. Really bad."

Tabby swallowed as she stopped again, draining her coffee before Markus stood up. Grabbing the bottle of whiskey and the coffee pot, he made her a fresh cup of spiked coffee before putting both items back. "This is hard to read," she said.

Tristian's smile was small and sad, but understanding. "Slowly, Aunt Tabby, slowly." He leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees, watching her.

"Right. Slowly" Taking a slow breath, she continued to read. "The dark words came back again. Murder. Death. Destruction. How it was all my fault that my kids hated me and that my husband had left us all. It was so bad that I was very suicidal.

"And homicidal. I was planning on how just best to kill all of you. I would crush up some pills, sprinkle them about in your food and deserts and drinks one day. Let you go to sleep and never wake up after wards. I even had the sleeping pills and knew just how much to do use on each of you. It all seemed so clear. So right in my state of delusions.

"Then Tristian saved you all by telling the teacher what had happened with his ankle and sparked the investigation that saw you all scattered to other family. And had me checked into a hospital where I was forced fed my medicine and to find that balance again. It took me time. It took me a lot of time, even after I was let out of the hospital.

"By the time that I was released, everyone had been placed with family and were healing from what I had done. I admit, some of what I had done is still hazy to this day. I remember that I would often ignore the five of you, or if I felt that you were pushing me to much I would slap you. And for the smallest of reasons to! But I don't really remember much outside of that, and I wonder if I did more than that some days."

Tabby took another long drink while Tristian stood and started to make a fresh pot of coffee, taking the mugs from his siblings to make fresh cups for them.

"I have to say that for most of your lives, I was in a special kind of fog that I hadn't realized that I was in. And that was my fault for not making sure I took my pills. That I went to my therapy and that I saw my doctors. That was my fault and no one else's.

"After I got out of the hospital, I was still under heavy monitoring and I didn't trust myself. So, I kept our contact to letters only. To see you all write me letters over the years, even when you were all grown up and living your own lives helped me through the darkest of times. I have albums full of pictures that you all sent to me. And when I finally got myself an E-mail account, I would print out our conversations and tuck them away in binders, so I could go back and read them. Just like I did with our letters.

"They reminded me why I was working so hard on keeping my mind under control. There were a few times over the years that there were slips, but that was mostly to needing to adjust my medicine as I went through life. But now, here, I feel that I can face you and explain to you why I never fought to get you back.

"I loved you like a mother does, and I will always love you, but I wasn't able to be a mother. I fear that I would have screwed up so badly that you all would have hated me, so I left you to the lives that you built after you left. I kept tabs on you and talked to you whenever we could, and I watched you grow up. From the sidelines because I didn't want to hurt you, and have you hate me.

"I hope that you do not hate me now. I know that I should have tried harder but truly? I don't think I could have before now.

For now, remember that I love you and will always love you, my darling, innocent children. Continue to find your paths in life and know that I will forever support you. Your mother, Marie." With the last word read, Tabby folded up the letter and placed it down onto the table, eyes roving over everyone as Tristian handed out the fresh cups of coffee.

"So that's why mom didn't fight to get us back..." Karla said, Tabby giving her a sad smile.