Unpolished Jade: Reviews

📓Snow Dancer

Title: Snow Dancer

Author: SaintCorvus

Genre: Fantasy

Category: High Fantasy

Total Chapters: 29

Reviewed Chapters: 5

Cover: (9/10)

The cover itself wasn't out of the world and unique but it was serene, staying true to the snow theme of the story.

Title: (8/10)

Simple and short, it was a perfect blend with wisely chosen words. The title related to the main theme of story representing Yuki.

Plot and Synopsis: (21/30)

Though grammatically correct and being the straightforward type, it gave too much about the character and too little about the world. The beauty of fantasy genre is that it is not catering to lives of the main protagonist. Here, the author is expected to create an entire universe with its own laws, rules and conflict. And it also felt a bit uneven with a cliché ending where it gave away that your story would end with your protagonist succeeding.

Synopsis is very important to stories on wattpad. It is like a profile picture and gives readers the first impression of your story and an idea of what to expect. So, try changing the order. Describe the world where the story is set. The five empires are at war, elaborate that a bit. Once given the description, then describe Iro Hiroki and Ara. By leaving Sen, a suspense and not exposing her existence in the synopsis itself will add to readers excitement for chapter two. Fantasy stories are best when uncovered by reading.

Chapter 1: Well started, the reader was able to understand Hiroki's feelings towards his future. Environment description was spot on and the story's progression pace was good.

Chapter 2: I already knew what to expect from the chapter since Sen's existence was given away from the summary. There was nothing wrong with your writing style but certain aspects were missing.

Chapter 3: There was a shift in pace of the story and consistency was lacking. Sen's emotions weren't clear to the reader.

Chapter 4 & 5: The above mentioned problems still persisted and the plot's progression had rather thrown off.

The plot itself wasn't bad but it also didn't stand out by reading just five chapters. The world is at a war, the main protagonist has a dream which is explained from the beginning and he gets himself involved with the world events. But what did justice to this overused plot was your writing style. What can be admired is the length of the chapters, not too short and not too long.

As stated, unlike romance or teen fiction stories where the concerned writer simply narrates the lives of the character, fantasy genre is all about creating and giving dimension to an entirely new world where the author is the god. The first five chapters are the beginning of the story, so a basic description of how the world functions should be mentioned to give readers a context to imagine. For example, Jin is like a telepathic communication technique.

Explain to readers how it works, fit it into the logic and laws of your world. Why did Hiroki not use it when he first met? Is there any limitation to it? This is just one of the many instances.

Work on showing your universe rather simply telling, how did Lord Sasaki's mansion look like? What was the forest like when covered in snow? What sort of locality did Iro live in? Description is very important to a plot.

A mind film should be running through the readers' mind while reading your story. It should be continuous and well paced.

Grammar: (20/20)

It is very pleasing to see correct grammar being used.

Character Development: (5/20)

That five was for Hiroki alone. Character development is a very tricky process which entails adding dimension to the names that would be simple meaningless words. It consists of physical and psychological description of the characters.

Even after five chapters, the reader never came across Hiroki's appearance. Sen's appearance is mentioned, but then personality is not consistence. She is shown to be timid: make it stand out, describe her reluctance. Twilight was berated for its unrealistic portrayal of characters. Add dimension to it. Sen resisted even though, why didn't she continue it if she is shown to be mentally strong and a survivor? There should have been a more elaborate conflict between Hiroki and Sen, trusts don't build up this easily.

Then Ara had no evident trait, the appearance wasn't mentioned, every tiger has a different appearance similar to humans. Show the readers what Ara looks like, a talking tiger looks like.

Then the side characters, parents were simply mentioned. Take time to introduce various characters to your readers. Your protagonist might know them but readers don't, Lord Sasaki was obviously a lord so explain how his presence changed up. Lords don't simple show up to unannounced guest. Show his personality and not tell.

Every character contributes to the story whether a helper or a perent, give importance to each one of them.

But what I liked was the name selection.

Language: (7/10)

The writing style for a third person was excellent which really won over me.

Over All: (70/100)

Remark: The idea and writing style is not bad but I would like to get more immersed into the world than into the plot.

Reviewer: Myself_Miss_Amazing 

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I am not a professional so my opinions may or may not matter. Please don't get offended. Since, I personally loved your book. It was much better than many fantasy stories I have read on wattpad. Have a nice day! And thank you!