My life has been incomplete since that day; that dreadful day. I am an empty shell. ‘We know how you feel,’ they would sympathise. ‘It will get better,’ they would comfort me. But they are wrong. They don’t know how I feel. They have never lost their other half. And it won’t get better because every time I look in a mirror I will be reminded of him. Because every time I speak I will be reminded of him. All of this hurts me so badly. It feels like someone is slashing a knife through my heart thousands of times for fun.
I haven’t left my flat in days. If I did it would hurt my family with the sight and sound of me. Who better to remind them of their dead brother then his identical twin? They are better without me. Everyone is better without me.
Every day I think of him, and every day what ifs run through my head. What if he had survived? What if the was no crash? What if I died instead? Every day I think that there is no point in life without him. And with that thought my eyes glance up to the rope and chair in standing in the bathroom. What if?
I had made my decision. Today I was going to end it. Join my brother in the afterlife. Taking deep breaths I walked slowly towards the bathroom. Around me was rubbish, piled high. I had been living with filth for the last few days. At first Mother came in every couple of days to clean the flat and check how I was, but after a while she just gave up and left me.
I heard the door quietly click as it closed behind me, trapping me in a prison. There was no way out now, I had to be brave and do it. Be brave and end it all. I stepped onto the chair and stared around me at the bathroom. Where a picture of my family once was, a pale white wall stood stark and bare. I had ripped it down the day I came back from hospital.
The rope noose swung in and out of my eye line. I knew it was time. Turning around, I caught it and held it in my hands. I was there and ready, ready to leave this world yet at the same time I couldn’t. My mind flashed back to the horrific day.
The scenery ran by faster and faster as we sped along the track from where we had just come from. The whole family looked exhausted, today had been a pretty hectic day. My eyes glanced round to mother and quickly moved on. Her normally calm blue eyes looked stormy and unpredictable. It was clear James and I were in massive trouble but she didn’t want to make a scene on the train. Our younger sister Lily ran from her seat to us. She was only seven and had boundless energy. ‘Wow James and Oliver that was so coooooooooooooooool!’ Her baby blue eyes sparkled with excitement. ‘I mean the way you both tricked him into eating the sweets; it was so clever.’
She was talking about the prank we had just played on our ungrateful, fat cousin Jeremiah We had offered him some sweets which looked like they were covered in sugar, and of course being the fat pig he is, he stuffed about ten in his mouth all at once. Of course what he didn’t know was that the sugar was actually salt. They day ended much quicker than expected, with Jeremiah being rushed off to hospital puking and James and I being banned from attending their house ever again. Mother was so angry at us, but was keeping quiet about it. She was saving it for when we got home, which was going to be a lot worse. Little did I know she never was going to get the chance to tell us off…
Then I would have given anything to not get told off, but now I would give anything (even a telling off every day) to have my brother back. But it was too late.
Then it all went black. A huge ripple filled the train sending us all flying forward. I heard people shouting and screaming as panic began to set in. A smell lingered in my nostrils and it took me a minute with all the confusion to work out what it was… Smoke. I scrambled up whilst yelling to the rest of my family. We had to get of here. We had to leave now.
Father opened the door for us all and we scrambled out quickly into the fresh air. Me, mother, father, Lily… but no James… I screamed for him, trying to run in and save him, but my father was holding me back. I felt numb all over; my heart was shattering into thousands of pieces…
Once again the rope swung in front of my eye line. It must have escaped from my grasp. I took a deep breath and was ready.
Slowly I lifted the rope and put it around my head. This was it. Goodbye to the world. I was about to step off when suddenly I heard,
‘Don’t do it Olly.’
I whispered into the empty room my brother’s name.
‘Oliver don’t do this. How could you do it to mother and father, and dear little Lily.’
My heart raced faster in my chest. Here her was, my brother, his voice echoing in my ear.
‘You left me. You left me all alone….’ My voice cracked. ‘How could you James? We promised we’d stay together no matter what…’
There was a silence, and then, ‘I’m sorry. If one of us had to die, I’m glad it was me. You can go so much further than me. Yet here you are, sulking in our flat. You need to like your life to the best you can. Treasure it, don’t cut it short. I love you Olly.’
Tears rolled down my face as I whispered that I loved him back. Slowly, I stepped down from the chair. I was going to live my life to the full, for my brother.
