days after my mother died i was taken in by my aunt. after many years of resenting my mother, i had come to feel like i had nothing left. my father had died months before my mother's death, i was familiar with the funeral routine.
i liked my aunt. she was much more fun than my mother and being around her was much easier. she picked me up in her red SUV, i sat in the passenger seat. we chatted about various things and contrary to the few days before that: none of those things were my mom. we talked about school, and jawsh: my cousin.
at the time, my opinion of jawsh was indifferent. he didn't speak much to me and i always felt much younger then him, despite our age gap only being two years. i knew he struggled with addiction but then again, our whole family knew. and i only knew the side that had changed as it was passed from person to person. most of what i knew about him was a lie.
when we pulled in front of my aunts suburban residence i saw jawsh stumble out of the front door. as i got out of the car, he ran toward me and gave me a big hug. i couldn't tell if it was out of sympathy or if he really had missed me but i appreciated it nonetheless.
at dinner that night my aunt prodded jawsh and encouraged conversation between us all. "have you told kassidy about your summer trip?" she questioned him, blatantly forcing him to talk about it.
"i haven't actually," he huffed as he began to explain. "me and a couple friends are gonna drive around all summer." he was obviously somewhat excited about his travel plans for the break.
i swallowed my food and thought of a response. "are you going anywhere in particular?" my question may have come out a bit rude but with his blunt personality he most likely didn't notice at all.
"no, i think we're just gonna follow around my friends band." that peaked my interest, as i intended to learn to play the ukulele for the past couple years. "you're perfectly welcome to tag along if you like."
as dinner ended and i returned to my new room, i began to think more and more about going with jawsh. i realized that i would gain great experience and educational benefit from going. i organized my things as i got more and more excited, and just a tad anxious because of all the new people.
jawsh abruptly barreled into my room, swinging the door open quickly. "if i were you i would go," he began. "you'll have to stay here all summer with my mom. come and you'll have a good time."
his statement presented a point i had not yet considered. did i really want to spend the summer before senior year in a house with my middle aged aunt? "you're right. but i don't know any of your friends, what if they don't like me?" i inquired about the details of the trip.
"tonight. i'm going to a party in about an hour, come with me and you can meet them. decide then." his proposal made perfect sense to me and i eagerly agreed.
i shook as i got myself ready for my first party.i never felt interested in attending parties or partaking in any sort of rebellious activity before that, and i wanted my first experience to be special and fun.
i pulled a black and white striped top over my head, giggling to myself as i did it. i thought of my parents rolling in their grave as i readied myself for the forbidden activities. i then yanked on a pair of baggy but small overall shorts. my outfit was simple but i didn't want to be overwhelming.
i packed a thin layer of baby pink eyeshadow over my eyelids and slowly applied mascara with my shaky hands. my hair was tossed into a messy bun, and a green velvet scrunchy was pulled over it.
i hopped into the passenger seat of jawsh's car and looked down at my doc martens boots. even my eyes seemed to shake as jawsh pushed the key into the ignition. "there won't be any bad people, i can tell you." he reassured me from behind the wheel.
when i walked through the front door the scent of liquor made my head throb. somebody was playing music loudly, it's slow rhythm matching that of my migraine. we had to go into the basement for the party, because that's where everyone else was. i walked down the stairs and into a field of interest for the fifteen kids in the smokey basement.
jawsh led me to a couch in front of a drum set, then he left me. i was alone at a party with people i didn't know and i had no idea where my cousin was. honestly, i was scared. everyone was intimidating and doing something illegal and then there was me who knew nothing about any of it.
a skinny jean clad boy walked nonchalantly toward the drum set in front of me, a taller boy following him. "you dickhead! i hate you, you know that?" the boy announced loudly.
"how am i supposed to know? you don't talk to me!" the other kid whined, crossing his arms in front of him.
the opposing boy stopped for a minute: "you wouldn't need to know if you'd just leave me the fuck alone like i asked three million times before." he rolled his eyes to the back of his head when the other boy started to cry, and stormed off.
the shorter boy began fiddling with the drum set, and i lost vision of the other boy. i had been there for fifteen minutes and already had managed to sit in the middle of a domestic dispute. all of this should have frightened me further, but my adrenaline prevented this.
i zoned out, watching people do things that i didn't understand. not much of it made sense to me, and i considered myself a pretty exposed good girl. abruptly, i felt a hand on my knee. "hey, sweetheart. i haven't seen you before." the boy with the skinny jeans had sat down next to me.
i gasped. "uh, yeah first party. my name is kassidy." anxiety seemed to strike me with a brick after the introduction, leaving me wondering if i should have said that or not.
he giggled, his head landing in his palm. "i think i can tell, i'm ash. by the way." his hands rested on his lap as he talked calmly over the music.
"nice to meet you, ash." i giggled as i talked and he playfully rolled his eyes. although he was smiling he still seemed uneasy. "are you okay?" i questioned.
he smiled, one of his hands reaching to the side of his head and holding it over his ear. "yeah i'm fine, thanks. it's just icky in here, wanna go outside?" his offer tempted me, but i didn't know if i wanted to be alone with the stranger just yet. "i won't hurt you, i promise." he reassured me.
"okay, we can go outside." he weaved his way through the crowd, leading me by the hand. when we left through the back door there was nobody outside, and we sat on the curb surrounding the house.
we sat in silence for a moment, him staring at the small patch of grass in front of the fence guarding the home. he seemed melancholy and nervous as he bounced the leg he was resting on. he began to rummage through his front pocket and pulled out a pack of Newport cigarettes.
"you smoke?" i continued asking questions, assuming it was becoming quite annoying. he giggled, his hands shaking as he flipped open the box.
"not cigarettes. i just use the box to carry my weed in case we get stopped by the cops." i was wowed by this. i have always been well aware that drug use is not impressive but i couldn't help but feel some kind of rush at the mention of this. i felt like he was unique. maybe, different. demonic, even.
i knew he was smart at that point. he could read my gestures like a coloring book and my every breath contained fragments of my kryptonite, which he captured and kept with him. i felt special because he was looking into me. analyzing me. i didn't know that this was just something that he did. something he did to everyone.
he pulled a cylindrical, brown weed cigarette out of the box and held it between his heart shaped lips. he shimmied a black lighter out of the box and flicked it once, then twice. it lit both times but he repeated the ignition before catching the opposing end with flame. he pulled the thing out of his mouth and let the smoke go. i was a good kid and i had been warned about things like that my whole life but i didn't yield a thing. i felt attraction with every glance he made at me.
he held out the blunt and smiled at me, but looked at my mouth and never my eyes. i took the thing between my thumb and forefinger, holding it up to my lips and taking a small puff into my lungs. i went to hand it back but he didn't try and grab it, i took another hit.
he leaned over and planted a kiss on my collar bone, "nothing like a little sympathy for the devil."
