why is everything so heavy?

i'm holding on (dan)

as the bell rang, my hands grasped for my earbuds. it was a tuesday, but i didn't want to take the bus home. i decided to just go for a walk.
i left my school building, pushing past the preps with their friends, the jocks, describing to their girlfriends their latest football feats, and the "normal" kids, just hangin' out, talking about "normal" things. all those kids didn't have to worry about long sleeves, fake smiles, any of it.
out of the do
i was just a "normal" 15 year old.
i was.
i really was.
i guess you could say that i was
"emo"
or "goth"
or "punk"
or an "attention seeker"
its just, something was very wrong with me. very, very wrong.
i didn't quite understand it.
i had days where i could be a "social person" and not "act depressed" at all.
the other days i had about once a month, lasting for what seemed like forever.
i was in an everlasting state of hatred - of myself, the world, everybody. i was unsure of what caused it.
i didn't understand myself anymore. i didn't know why.
on those awful weeks, i would cut. and cut. and cut. and cut.
it made it feel better.
but the pain came back, worse then before.
i was a catastrophe, a product gone-wrong of the system.
i didn't know what to do anymore.

my walk around town was uneventful, and the weather mirrored my mood. it seemed as though my mood was making it happen. it seemed as though as i stepped out of school property, it got gloomier. the clouds covered more of the sky, and the temperature was falling. of course, i was imagining this. after all, i was a catastrophe, wasn't i?
i cursed because i had forgotten my spare change - i was going to stop somewhere and do something (i had no idea, i just wanted a distraction).
my deep brown hair blew in the harsh wind.
i was crossing the highway, left to my own devices, in my own mind, the most dangerous place of all.
the cold seemed to get colder, the wind more windier.
the path i walked seemed more lonely and longer.
i hated my mind. why did it have to be this way?
yet i had friends, people who cared for me.
i always felt like i was living a lie, like one day my "loving parents" were going to leave me and say "all those years, i never cared about you" and my "best friends" would say "i never liked you".
i approached my house, noticing the garage was open.
my mother's car.
i braced for impact.

[A/N]
dear readers,
this is indeed my first fanfiction.
comments and favorites are greatly appreciated. let me know that you read this and are ready for more soon!
honest reviews are greatly appreciated.
by the way, this is dan's POV. thanks guys.
~cchem