What's wrong? Why'd she do it? What was the final straw? I'm not sure how I'd ever answer these questions in person but I can tell you that they do have answers. I know this is hard to read but it only gets harder. Nothing is easy. Life is stupid. Love is a weapon. Trust is forever gone. So am I. I's hard to comprehend why someone took their own life. Life is beautiful they said, it's precious so don't waste it. That's just what I am; a waste. I have no purpose, no feelings, no love or trust and no one who cares. Sure you'll be sad for months or maybe not even that long unless you were family. I'm sure my parents are distraught and mourning and that way they'll stay for who knows how long. I know they want answers and I've got them.
I felt broken, hurt, lost stuck and sick. I was broken and hurt by a boy whom I thought truly loved me. I thought we had love, but the more the relationship progressed, the more I felt broken by his unkept promises and foolishness. Foolishness in love and care. He didn't. He didn't care.. Until now. Just like many others. Eventually he'll move if he hadn't already when I was by his side. I was stuck never knowing whether I could move on and forget. I was stuck in the place with the person whom I knew was weighing me down. This made me sick. It made me sick to think I'd be stuck until he screwed up. It was a ticket out. The only way I'd stop feeling broken and hurt was to wait for him to lose me, and lose me he would have.. one day, I'd hope.
Now with this boy, I told him every day that he didn't understand and now no one ever will, but his actions along with others hurt me. If only he'd listened. If only he'd actually asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't be in this now nonexistent state.
I know whoever is reading this is feeling guilt or resentment at the fact that I'm gone but I'm really gone and I don't care to see anyone ever again. If Heaven is really there, I don't want to meet again. I want to left, left alone to think about my life and what I wanted in it. The only thing I wanted. Something that I never thought my parents could've ever truly given me, but somehow did. Love. Trust.
I had goals but because of all of the conflicts I was dealing with in life, I'd never meet them. I wanted college, a steady career, but most importantly a family. One that I started myself with someone who I knew would always care and love not only myself but my young ones as well. Where was I supposed to find belonging or love like that? That's what helped push me, over the edge and into the water.
Don't cry that I'm gone, instead set goals and achieve them while thinking of me. Be happy. Find love. Seek belonging. Do the things I would never accomplish myself. With this knowledge don't be a fool. Always consider your own feelings and wants, along with others. You love someone, tell them. You hate them, tell them. Tell them so they can leave your ugly world and stumble upon a beautiful new one. End the negative attention and pay more. Someone you love is hurting and you don't even know.
My pain is gone. I'm better. Alone. To the ones who didn't get a goodbye, I love you and I truly don't want you to mourn. I just simply want understanding.
