Paying my respects to Kim Jonghyun

Dear Kim Jonghyun

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

You will never read this Kim Jonghyun. You will never read it because you are dead. That's right. You died almost three days ago now. The first day after was surreal; I woke up and saw that a friend had texted me saying you had died. The second day after it hit me harder. Today, I have accepted it and am here to pay my respects.

I'll be honest, I was not a Shawol. However, I listened to your work and saw your amazing dancing skills. I wish I had known more about you specifically before you passed.

You were always someone I looked at as a senior in the industry. I am someone who wants to do something in the music industry, and I looked up to you as you were a successful figure in this field.

You also seemed to find great joy in this. Seemed.

I read the translation of your suicide note as I'm not fluent in Korean at this point. What I saw made my heart break. From what I understood, you weren't happy being an idol. This in particular made me feel like crying. You have been an idol for almost a decade, and you haven't spent all of that time being happy.

Why? Why did you torture yourself like that? Maybe you had no way out except for suicide. I can understand that. I once held a knife in my hand ready to take my own life. I will never fully understand the situation you were cornered in, but I'm sad you had to fight your way out by taking your own life.

In spite of this, I am happy you escaped your demons. People may not like what I am about to say, but I am happy you made a stand. People who haven't battle depression would not understand this, but suicide is the final stand. It's the final strike in a long war, the one that ends it all and frees us from everything that hurts us. Death is the freedom, and in my opinion, the most beautiful thing about life.

I do wish that to find your happiness, you had done something different. You still found happiness though, or at least I hope so.

From this, I have learned that I should not let myself be cornered in the future. I should do everything I can to fight my way through to happiness without taking my life.

Oh, one more thing. After you passed, I saw something beautiful. I saw people, ARMYS, ELFs, Carats, iGOT7s, VIPs, Blinks, and all of the other fandoms helping the dear Shawols. They comforted them, gave their condolences, and supported not only Shawols but your bandmates as well.

I'm ready to let you go now Jonghyun, I'll do it peacefully just like you wanted. You were amazing, you gave many joy. You made people's lives happier. I hope that knowing that is enough for you. Goodbye Kim Jonghyun, you did well.

And thank you.