forlorn // p.j.m

8.

after shopping and wandering at the park, i made sure that i cut my time shorter so i'd have time to clean.
once i got back to my apartment, i cleaned all the surfaces, made my bed and cleaned up the art supplies that scattered my apartment.
i turned on some quiet relaxing music and turned on my water fountain that sat on my small kitchen table.
i pulled back the curtains slightly, something i rarely did unless it was to watch the stars.
the sun had almost completely set, leaving the sky a dark orange and pink color.
i had the urge to recreate that color with my paint, but i ignored it.
i double-checked for any other mess and was thankful to have no luck.
it was now 7:46PM and i had begun to grow nervous for another encounter with him.
i lit a candle that smelled like lilies.
i liked lilies.

i decided on applying a small amount of mascara since it made my eyes look better.
i didn't put any other makeup on since he had already seen me completely natural this morning.
as i returned to my room, i decided on laying down and watching the few clouds in the sky as they became less illuminated due to the lack of light.
i'm unsure of why i relate to inanimate objects or things.
maybe i'm insane.
i heard a soft knocking at the door moments later which broke me out of my thoughts.
i walked to the door, reminding myself to breath as i opened the door for him.
i was greeted by his sweet smiling face and i couldn't help but notice how amazing he smelled.
"hello."
"hi." i step back father, "come in."
he unlaces his boots by the door and joins me in my living room and bedroom area.
i sit on my bed and he sits on the couch which is next to it.
we're quite close together already and it makes me nervous.
he runs his fingers through his hair and glances out the window at the view of the city.
"you have a different view on your side, it's nice." he says, his head peeking over the window ledge.
i shrug, "yeah, i guess you're right. i love the stars, though. i wish i could see all of them from my balcony."
"i love the stars, too. you could just get lost in them if you wanted to." he says, his voice soft.

he glanced at me and suddenly
i saw galaxies in his eyes

i look away quickly and blink, trying to snap back into reality.
what was wrong with me?
he shifts forward, "you okay?"
"yeah, i'm—" i begin but am unsure of how to finish the sentence.
i'm not one to lie.
he stands up and leans against my bed, closing most of the space between us.
part of me wants to tell him to go away, to leave..
i don't want him to get caught in my storm.
he's already proving that he's someone i could fall for and that's dangerous..
that's so dangerous.
he takes another step towards me which makes me place a closed fist against his stomach, setting my distance.
he uses a small force to push against it, telling me that he would come closer if he could..
but it terrifies me.
"hailey.. what do you think of the world? has the world treated you well?" he asks, quietly.
i stifle a laugh, "i try to love it. i wake up every day trying to embrace the good in it and about it, but it has punished me since the day i was born."
he stays silent and takes a step back, running his hands over his face.
fuck, of course i went too far with it again.
people are afraid of me, of my mind.
i have scared away everyone in my life.
my head begins to pound as i stand up, moving past him and going into my kitchen.
i lean against the counter taking as steady of breathes as i can.
now is not a time for a panic attack.
i go in my fridge and pull out a bottled water.
i close my eyes, trying to ignore the light that fills my apartment.
i feel his presence and rub the space between my eyebrows.
"do you want a water?" i ask him, nicely.
i open my eyes and he just stares at me from the other end of my counter.
he chews on his bottom lip, "yeah, thank you."
i grab him one from the fridge and slide it to him and he drinks it immediately.
he continues to stare at me and i'm unsure of what to say or do.
why was i so awful at communicating sometimes?
he sighs and slowly walks towards me.
"i know.. that i don't know you, really.. but i want to.. if you let me." he suggests, closing the distance between us again.
i try to continue to take steady breathes as he is now standing right next to me.
i can feel the warmth radiating from his body.
i wonder what it would be like to be in his arms and quickly hate myself for it.

why would someone like him
want to hold someone like you?

his phone rings and he pulls it out from his pocket, checking the caller i.d.
if there was an expression for your heart sinking, then i would have just witnessed it.
"hello?" he answers, not stepping away from me to speak this time.
i can't hear the voice he's speaking to but as his features change, i can't help but worry.
he licks his lips, "i'm on my way, thank you."
he hangs up the phone and puts it in his pocket.
"i don't want to leave, i'm really sorry.. family emergency. i promise i want to talk to you about so much.. we might have more in common than you think." he assures me.
i give him a small smile as he begins to lace up his boots, "it's not a problem. be safe, okay? i'm sure i'll see you around."

this was not true.

"sounds good. thank you, hailey." he tells me as he leaves my apartment.
as the door closes, i go to lock it and i try to ignore the feelings that come with everything that just happened.
instead, i turn my music up louder and pull out a canvas.

i mix dark paints tonight.

the strokes of my brush mimic the strokes of my blade.