Starting Over

I Failed

As you all should know Jonghyun has passed on. He committed suicide on December 18th 2017. Me and my friends came up with this idea to preserve his memory, I hope you will enjoy it. Jonghyun, you did well. 

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"It's a sad day for Hallyu, especially for fans of K-Pop group SHINee. At around  6:45 P.M Monday local time, Jonghyun was found unconscious at residence in Cheongdam-Dong. He passed after being moved to the hospital. Police were searching for the idol group member after getting a phone call at around 4:40 P.M from his sister... that messages from him containing phrases such as "I've been struggling till now," "Let me go," and "Last goodbye"... led her to fear the worst possible scenario. Police officers found him in a room, not his own, with lit coal briquettes... A common way to commit suicide in Korea. Investigations into the incident are ongoing, but for now, other details surrounding the pop idol's death are not known." 

Not baring to hear much more I turned of the TV and hid my head in my hands. Tears still left a constant flow down my cheeks leaving my eyes red and puffy. I gripped and pulled at my hair still trying to cope with the news from just a few hours earlier. Jonghyun... please say this was all a lie... Please tell me that you are going to walk in that door wearing your bright smile... Please say it isn't over. 

We have been working together for over 9 years and to see you go like this I can't help but think that this is my fault. As leader I'm supposed to lead and help you in every way I can, and I failed. I failed miserably. Enough so that I lost you, one of my closest friends and colleagues. I know I shouldn't mourn, it's not what he would want, but I can't help being a little selfish now. 

I was shaking from how much strength had left my body but I couldn't eat, especially not now while I feel like I'm going to vomit from how much I'm crying. Each time I think I'm pulling myself together again I break down seconds later. I could barely even walk on my own without collapsing onto the floor sobbing. 

 I was a complete mess. Unpleasant thoughts even wandered throughout my own head. Is it really better there for you? Did you find the solitude you sought? Can I somehow repay your death? I tried repelling those thoughts because I know it's nowhere close to what he wanted. But I couldn't help letting those thoughts slip past the barrier I had tried to put up.  

I slowly picked myself up and dragged my feet to the bathroom. It's kind of funny how many ways I could die here in a room I use more than once daily. I could overdose, use my razor to slit my wrists, I could simply drown myself in the bathtub if I wanted. Drowning? Too agonizing. Overdose? Too long. Slitting? Painful but shorter. It seemed like my best option. 

I turned on the water for the bathtub, picked up my phone and opened a blank note. 

'To anyone reading this I have officially failed as a leader. My job was supposed to lead the others and help them in any way possible. But I failed. I failed so, so miserably. If you found me I am most likely dead but that's alright. I couldn't leave Jonghyun alone now could I? I already failed once as a leader so I want to do one last thing for him. I want to repay your death Jonghyun. Because I was too stupid to realize your pain. So I will join you. 

                                                                                                                        -Lee Jin Ki'

I took the password off of my phone and let the tab sit open while I set it on the counter top. I took the razor from the side of the bathtub and took it apart leaving a single blade in my hand. I kept it in my hand while I lowered myself into the full bathtub. I sat for a moment while I closed my eyes and listened to the slight splashing of the water. Even if it was just for a moment everything felt right. While I kept my eyes closed and my head back I brought my shaky hand to my wrist as I tried slicing through the skin.