Wish I was Dead

The Palm Tree

"ألّا تحزني قد جعل ربّك تحت سريًّا"
"وهزِّي إليك بجذع النّخلة تساقط عليك رطبا جنيًّا"
"فكلي و اشربي و قرّي عينا"
"Do not grieve; your Lord has provided beneath you a stream."
"And shake toward you the trunk of the palm tree, it will drop upon you ripe, fresh dates"
"So eat and drink and be contented."
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May Allah be pleased with you O Mama Maryam!
Your story never ceases to overwhelm me, Maa Shaa Allaah!

There you are, alone, in immense labour pain, away from your people, afraid of being accused, helpless, WISHING YOU HAD DIED long ago, Subhaana Allaah.

Then out of Allaah's deep love for you, An angel is sent to you, with a precious gift from the Almighty.

Comforting words full of love and reassurance, full of hope and strength. And by the Grace and will of Allah you regain your strength and revive your faith. Allahu Akbar!

Allah asks you to shake the palm tree, which shall cause ripe, fresh dates to drop, so you may eat and drink till contentment.

Having felt what you felt, sorry, having felt a fraction of what you felt, Too much sorrow that I wish I had died long ago. It's only a fraction because I don't move around with a swollen belly. This ayah happens to be a best friend of mine, reminding me of my worth, and the worth of my precious life.

As I mentioned before, I cracked my head and searched for the like of what cooled Sayyeda Maryam, and that's where I concluded that the Palm Tree represents the blessings in my life.

From my Lord The Almighty who shows mercy to all,
To my Prophet Sayyid Muhammad who remained true to the call,
From my family, to my friends, to the kind old lady next door,
From my eyes to my ears to my feet above the floor.

Death..
I had wished it, that I won't deny,
Sometimes mentally I would plan it, I dare not lie,
Wishing I was gone, long and long ago,
Had become a part of me, like sea is to shore.

But then eating and drinking from the "sacred Palm tree",
Understanding the blessings from His Majesty Thee,
Showing full gratitude, displaying acknowledgement,
Counting his uncountable favours just gives me contentment.

For all and all that I had gone through,
Allaah is asking if my faith is true,
Dying or vanishing brings NOT success,
Holding onto Allaah, is my key to happiness.

I have come to understand that our lives are under full control of the King of all kings. So, to survive the storms and hurricanes, I must adhere to what Allaah and His Messenger has taught us, for he, may peace be upon him never speaks in vain except that which has been revealed.

When my chest is too tight and my heart is heavily loaded, due to the sins I commit, I should not wish for death, rather, I should count my blessings:
i) thankfully, my door of Tawbah is still open.
ii) my people have not shunned me away.
iii) To Allaah, no sin is too big to be forgiven
iv) By repenting, Allaah shall love me, as He states, "Indeed Allaah loves those who repent."

See, if there is hope even after disobeying Allah azza wa jalla, if even the worst of sinners gets a stream and a palm tree,
What do you think of a believer, who only gets afflicted due to Allaah's great love for him, as the messenger of Allaah said, "When Allaah loves a people, He tries them???"

So..
Eat the ripe, fresh dates from the palm tree..
And enjoy your life, as you live stress free.
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Dear reader, I ask Allaah to keep you free from such an awful wish, of being dead and forgotten.
Its a scary feeling, may you never experience it.
Again.
May you all enter Jannatul Firdaws.
Amiiiiin.