9/4/18
I tune out the world and become in tune with my thoughts. Life would be so much easier if i could float through life neglecting all my problems and just blossom like a rose. But suffering never dies, it grows. Inhale, exhale. I take another drag. Dragging this blunt along is the only thing keeping me sane, the only thing that will make me want to linger around a little bit longer. I am infatuated with the idea of not giving a fuck. Something i am yet to master. I am yet to close an open chapter. Chapter 135, i want to be whole again, i am feening for freedom and the concept of letting things go. I am tired of being tired. Inhale, I let the smoke fill my lungs. The overwhelming feeling of unfulfilment is taking over my soul.
~Ajna
I cease my book and place it under my pillow. I lay my head on my pillow staring at the ceiling as i began to process my thoughts. A rage of anger began to creep up on me like death placed itself at my doorstep. Life is not all it's cracked up to be and if someone were to endure my pain and hurt they would be a walking corpse. I once used to dream about being a princess in a beautiful castle far away and detached from society. Not once did i even think life would be like this. I used to be so free. Things change.
I got up and made my way to my dresser looking for an incense to burn before i prepared myself to go outside and smoke an L. The one thing i could always rely on.
I stepped outside letting my feet sank into the sand as the cool ocean waves gently brushed my feet. I held the blunt to my lips and sparked up. It slowly began to burn as i inhaled letting the smoke fill my lungs.
I always get a feel of excitement each time i spark a blunt, people love different things. Some people have a love for pizza, others have a love for music or art. But for me it's a plant. It gives me sense of security, i feel free of all things.
I used to hate myself for doing this but it filled the empty void that i always yearned to fulfill. It gives the illusion that life is on pause for a few hours. My high began to intensify as i watched the ashes burn off the wood. It sorta reminded me of all my problems drifting away. I found myself gazing at the sunset as it's reflection shined on the ocean water, so beautiful. The waves reminded me of life. It can start off calm but can become raging and deadly in an instant, it can be hard to overcome the obstacles life brings our way at times. My dad once told me that the ocean can symbolize stability. That's the state of mind i'd wish to be in.
I let my music talk to me as it blared through my headphones. My mind raced with thoughts, i always felt as if the weed gave me this therapy session where i could say whatever i felt and not be judged by a single soul. I had no desire to share my secrets with anyone. It used to be hard to talk to myself about things i was ashamed of, but once you become honest with yourself and accept the reality of what life has thrown your way it's easier to let things go.
"Most of us are hurting
Most of us are searching
Someone to love
Someone to understand
Most the time I'm fighting
Multiple voices residing
In my head"
I put the razor to my skin. Inducing pain while releasing pain mirroring my internal emotions to my wrist. I was intrigued as it had become so addictive. I let the cool crimson blood run down my hand. I began to feel like i could breath again.
I always cut so deep, it reminded me of how deep the internal pain was which resonates to the pain i endured physically. The pain i felt had become so deep rooted. It made me feel as if i was stuck in a drought, drowning.
All the things i went through violated me mentally . Almost just as much as me violating my self through self harm. I've really lost it. Putting my life on the line just to feel like i have a peace of mind.
I caught myself in a trance as i laid on my bed tracing the scars on my wrist. It triggered every emotion i felt during that moment.
That memory always gives me chills. That was me a year ago, I've changed since then. It was around 9pm and i was still high. The sweet aroma of incense gave my room a gratifying smell while the intricate melody of jhené aiko played at a distance.
I could faintly feel the ocean breeze hit my skin as it flowed through my curtains giving me goose bumps. I clung to my blanket, and closed my eyes. It was a caress night and i could some what hear the soothing sounds of the ocean waves crashing together.
This was around the time where i felt content and everything seemed peaceful. I could finally rest.
I woke up and it was still dark out, not even a glimpse of light. Sleep insomnia was something i fought for years, most nights like this I'd wake up to panic attacks. This was something that no drug or person could pull me out of. It always made me feel so alone, although the only thing that stuck with me and knew me internally were the demons inside my head. They would only appear around this time at night. I know it's something only i can control but it seemed as if that would be impossible. The demons in my head gave me a comfort that no one else could. It fed me lies, and swallowed my sanity but it felt good to know that something so corrupt could know me so well. Sometimes it's easier to let it consume you then to fight it.
I leaned over my night stand to check the time, it was quarter to 4. Still too early to be up but I've never been a person to give myself a sleep schedule. I grabbed two xans off my nightstand and popped them in my mouth.
9/5/18
5:40am
My hands began to ache, but i liked the feeling. The deep concentration and devotion put into each stroke was exhilarating. I found myself enthralled as i threw all my emotions on the canvas. Painting became an escape for me, it is my muse. I paint when I'm sad, happy,angry, depressed.... my paintings give me a break from reality. It's always so refreshing to see the finished result. Who knew something so dark could be so beautiful. My eyes were blood shot red as i pushed to complete the piece i was longing for. Sometimes painting felt like sex. It was something that meant a lot of work and effort. But it was worth it and soo tempting , it triggers a feeling i can't explain. Almost like that feeling you get after a really good workout at the gym. You're restless and exhausted but for some reason it feels good and you want to do it again. Painting does something to me. I stopped and stood back admiring my work. Art to me has always been something originated from the soul, and when you put your soul into something it's real. No matter what the outcome of your work is it's still considered art. Art will always be something words cannot describe.
I stood in the kitchen pouring myself a glass of chilled iced water. This had been long awaited. I could feel the cold water stream down my throat as it cooled my body down restoring my energy. This gave me a boost, i felt relieved.
"If I died, would it even make a sound in the sea of trees?
No need to bother lookin' for me
Don't come, don't come, don't come searchin' for me
You don't get to die until you get it right, you said
I envy the dead, yeah
I'm way out, I'm way out"
I turned the nozzle on and hopped in the shower. I chanted along to Jhené as her music echoed throughout the house. I let the hot water hit my back as the steam began to fill up the room.
It was now quarter to 7 and sleep had been on my mind for hours. I couldn't fight it any longer,
