[ ✓ ] 𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐀 , seho .

twenty nine

twenty nine

SEHUN WOULD HAVE preferred for anybody but Jongin to show up at the door during this time. Not only because he felt absolutely disgusted even thinking about Jongin, but with his mind on Junmyeon, it would just bring him back down.

Sehun slammed the door in Jongin's face. But he didn't run off at that action.

"Open the door," Jongin said. Sehun felt the blood begin to boil in his veins, wishing he could just take the anger from Jongin out on the boy himself.

There was a short pause before Jongin welcomed himself into Sehun's dwelling, which just so happened to be Yeseul's home. After becoming emancipated, he had the choice to live with just about anybody. Yeseul seemed to be the most logical choice.

Jongin gripped Sehun by his forearm to stop the younger from running off. Sehun immediately yanked his arm from Jongin's grasp, his heart beginning to race again.

"Don't ever touch me again. And get out, please."

Jongin had a more sincere appearance on his face. Sehun felt weary. He couldn't trust Jongin. Not anymore.

"This is important," Jongin started. His voice sounded quiet and vulnerable. "It's about Yixing."

Suddenly, Sehun didn't care that Jongin had been the one standing right in front of him. He cared about Yixing. He needed to know whatever it was Jongin had been hiding.

"This is for you, I believe.." Jongin handed Sehun a folded piece of paper. It specifically had Oh Sehun written on the blank side. Sehun felt his stomach turn as he opened the paper.

"I just thought he was killed. He just was doing a drug deal like always. I guess not." Jongin appeared to be nervous, or even sad. That just added onto Sehun's worry.

"I'm sorry. For everything," Jongin told. His voice was shaky. He seemed vulnerable. Sehun didn't care.

"No you're not. Fuck off."

And Jongin left.

Sehun—

He didn't want to read it. Reading it would just be another reminder that Yixing was gone. Another reminder that he no longer had a role model. And letters reminded him of all the things Junmyeon had wanted Sehun to know, yet he didn't find out until months later.

I'm in a lot of trouble. Really. I shouldn't tell you why, it'll just mess you up really bad. I don't want you to know another person who fucked up really bad the way Sehyeon did. You don't deserve that, neither does Yeseul.

I've practically signed a death wish. The police will be after me soon enough. They know about all the illegal stuff I've done and the drugs I've sold and what not. It makes me wish I could be normal. All I wanted to do was provide for my family. They were too poor to even live. Then they just left me. And the things I've become associated with are things you just can't escape. So please, don't end up like me. Don't look up to me the way I know you have.

I'm sorry your brother ever had to introduce me to you. You've been a great thing in my life, but I'm not sure I'm so great in yours.

Anyway, I might have to run away. I don't really know. I just don't want to go through what your brother went through. And I certainly don't want you or Yeseul witnessing it all over again.

I'm sorry, Sehun. Thanks for being the brother I never got. Be smart.

— Yixing

Sehun sat down on the couch in the living area, still holding the letter in his hands. He wanted to shred it to pieces. Not only because it reminded him of what went down with Yixing, but it just twisted his mind even more. He could barely comprehend the fact that Yixing was killed—now he was supposed to comprehend the fact that it was because Yixing screwed up. Just like Sehun's own brother. Knowing what Sehyeon did made him feel bad enough, knowing Yixing had done something just as worse made Sehun feel sick to his stomach.

He threw the paper into the air before storming outside. The air was slightly warm, not enough to be comfortable, though. There was a slight breeze which would occasionally send chills up his spine.

Sehun then got into his car and drove off as fast as he could. The houses down the road blurred past him as he made his way into the quieter side of town, where he'd soon end up at Chanyeol's home.

Inside, he could see a few silhouettes walking about the house, drinks in their hands, most of them probably smoking. Sehun knew he would regret this. But at this point, there didn't seem to even be a point.

He entered the house, which was small and smelled of alcohol and smoke, without even knocking or informing Chanyeol. As Sehun became visible to the crowd, which consisted of Chanyeol and three other guys, the noise seemed to die down. Chanyeol walked towards Sehun with a confused expression on his face.

"Been a while," he muttered. Sehun could tell he was a bit wasted.

"Yeah." Sehun gave Chanyeol a certain look, one that told the older enough. Chanyeol nodded towards a hallway that led to more doors. Then, the two made their way down the corridor and into a bathroom. Inside, there was another man, kneeling on the tile floor, sniffing whatever drug he had. At the sight of Chanyeol and Sehun, the guy angrily stomped out of the bathroom.

"Your turn," Chanyeol exclaimed, then handing a bag of pills to Sehun. The younger hesitated before accepting the drugs. He looked at the pills, trying to convince himself that this was a bad idea. It was. But there was no other way he could numb himself from the toxic thoughts and feelings.

Along with the pills Chanyeol had given Sehun, he searched through the cabinets to see if there were something stronger—something to really help him forget. Forget about Yixing. Forget about Jongin. Forget about Junmyeon. All he could find was more illegal substances. He took them anyway.

Then, without hesitation, Sehun began swallowing the pills in threes, downing them with a nearly-empty beer that had belonged to the previous person. It was stale and warm, which made his stomach begin to turn. He felt like throwing up, but he managed to keep it down.

The music that had been blasting from the living room only added to his headache. The bass strongly vibrating through the floor made Sehun feel the need to really let out the uneasiness growing in his stomach. But instead, he took more pills. And drank more of that repulsive beer.

Memories started to flood Sehun's mind, as much as he had tried to slip away. The thoughts just kept invading. As he lay on the cold tile, he remembered being beat up senseless by Junmyeon's father. He could feel the glass that pierced through his lover's skin, and could hear the sharp cry Junmyeon let out as it happened. Sehun imagined the moment Yixing was killed. He wasn't there to witness it, but he could feel Yixing's pain as the bullet made the strong and wise man even weaker. He could hear the screams of Chanyeol and Jongin as they realized their guardian had been dying.

And then, he felt the worst pain he had ever felt in his life. He saw Sehyeon being ripped from their home, handcuffs around his wrists, policemen scolding the brother for all his wrongs. Sehun could hear Yeseul's cries as she was held down by their foster parent at that time. Then, he remembered the same thing happening to Yeseul. When he woke up in Eunmi's bed, for he had cried the entire night after watching Yeseul get torn out of the home. There was no way to fix him.

He tried to remember Junmyeon. The smile he would wear after Sehun would kiss him. The way his eyes would light up just at Sehun's touch. But all he could remember was the tear-stained face Junmyeon wore, the train ticket, the blonde hair, Is There Somewhere, and the loneliness. Along with all the suffering Sehun went through, all without Junmyeon.

As the dark thoughts plundered Sehun's mind, he slipped away more and more, becoming numb, just like he wanted. The music died down to a muffled beat, the light in his eyes dulling to a dark void. A void he couldn't escape.