I'm going to college this fall. It's scary, yes, but I'm more excited than anything. Interestingly enough, I always imagined that this would be the time when I came out, when i would finally allow myself to be gay. But it's just the opposite. I don't feel in any wa inclined to be gay anymore. I don't feel like I need it.
It's been about a weeek since I participated in any homosexual activity: no porn, no fantasising and no cruising. It's not that I haven't wanted to either, but I'm really working on living intentionally: only doing things that I havee thought out and thought through. I don't want to just live off of instinct or reaction, I want to be calculated: I'm going to need to be if I'm going to beat this thing.
Plus, I know that it will feel good. It would feel so good to do. But I remember how it felt every other time: every time I let some stranger into my garage or hopped into a car as it pulled up beside my front walk: it's exhilarating, it's fun, and it feels so good... for about five minutes. And then, my brain kicks back in. This doesn't feel right, it doesn't sit right in my brain or in my spirit. I want it all to hurry up so I can sweep it under the carpet of history and get the hell out of dodge. I start shaking and I just want us both to finish up with whatever we're doing so I can go home, get in bed and hide from the world, from my own guilt. Or else I'm lyiing in my bed, watching the porn and thinking to myself, You know you could stop if you wanted to. You just need to close the page and put it down. But it feels so good... and then I'm done. And this video is still playing and here I am, now clear minded, telling myself, Dammit, you could have stopped. You werethis close, why wouldn't you let yourself? I know I'd still be wrong, but it wouldbe a minor victory at least to stop myself mid act.
So, in the spirit of living deliberately, I keep reminding myself of these facts. And it's strange, but I feel better about life in general: a day like today would have surely constituted a crappy day when i was still partaking regularly in homosexual activity. But not so much so today: the emotional toll has been lifted from my spirit and so i feel less pressed, less stressed and less guilty.
School is out though, and that means a lot of unsupervised time on my hands. Interestingly it was summer last year when I gave my life to Christ again and decided that I no longer would be gay. But summer is hard: it's hot, I'm free all day and no one is ever looking. But I have to keep remembering what I said: life is honestly better than when I was caught up in homosexuality. When I'm not horny, it's like every day get's an automatic +3/10 on a 1 to 10 scale from wherever it is anyway. A day that's only worth a 3/10 is now a 6/10 just since I've stopped. But when I'm horny, it's like all of that gets clouded away. Interestingly enough, I've also discovered that I was starting to develop more romantic feelings for a number of men, and the thought of a gay relationship had even begun to cross my mind. But that is no longer an option for me. And I'm actually very happy with that.
