What am I?

The Shell

I think I'm not ok, I think I need help. But, I'm too afraid to ask for it. I'm too afraid that maybe if I ask for help, maybe they will laugh at my face and say: "Are you stupid? You don't need help, you're fine."

But why do I feel like I'm not that fine then? Why do I feel like something inside me wants to crawl out and show the real me, but can't, because I've built a shell, that's impossible to break by yourself.

A shell that can only be broken when too much has gathered in there and is making it crack under pressure. But still, the pressure from inside is not enough. You need pressure from the outside too. You need people to notice.

And by notice I don't mean someone asking: "Is everything alright?" And you answering a simple "yes", because you don't want to open up, because you're afraid of opening up to people. And why are you afraid of opening up? Because you're afraid of getting close and disappointing them.

You don't even know the reason why you're afraid of getting close, but you are, and that is stopping you from living your life at the fullest. You don't trust anyone 100% and if you do trust someone more than you think you would, you start questioning whether or not you should've said that to them, why did I tell them my secrets..

And the worst part about this is, that it feels like you're screaming at the top of your lungs, but the problem is, no one is/can/wants to listen. You scream as loud as you can, but all you hear back, is silence. And that makes you feel even worse, so bad, in fact, that you stop trying.

Trying to show people that you need help and you need someone to notice everything that's going on with you. You start building up your shell again until it's already too late for people to notice. And now they will never notice, because your shell is so well built, no peeking holes, no sign of anyone getting through.

And there you are, lonely and cold, stuck in the shell you built, because people were too stupid to notice. But you needed the feeling of safeness, so you created it for yourself, the only problem is, it's almost impossible to break that shell now, because you spent months and months building it, so you had time to make it people proof.

And now everyone notices that something's wrong with you, but it's too late now, because they noticed too late and now there's nothing they can do. But they still try to fix you, they want to help you, but the one thing that they don't know, is that the help train has left the station a long time ago, you don't want the help that you wanted anymore.

I've already made a friend in that shell, she doesn't visit often though, I don't know how she got through, but there she is, the only person who helps me through this. She is quite annoying sometimes, she wants me to leave this horrible world, but I can't leave, just because I feel horrible, doesn't mean I should make my family feel like that.

I don't know who that girl is, but I feel like she is me. Like she is an alternative ego me, she visits quite rarely though, and that makes me lonelier. But when she does visit, she always has there bad and dark thoughts with her, which I don't like. But then again, she's the only one that understands.

And now here I am, in my shell, trying to make contact I have with humans as low as possible. Sometimes, though, I do get the urge of happiness and I want to communicate with others, but most of the time, I lay in my shell, and live in my phone like that's the only safe place I have left in this world besides my shell, that protects me.