Just Write Days

Normal

AN: A bit of anxiety here.

28 December, Reflection

* * * * * * *

Normal

I took the wireless earphones from my desk and put them in my ears. They were cold, as metal so normally was, and uncomfortable despite being the most modern technology.

However, I needed them. I could see the disapproval in my cat's eyes, though I could not hear her reprimands normally translated to me by her mental augmentation collar.

Relaxing music began resonating through my head in quiet tones at the press of small, barely noticeable buttons on each plug. The old piano and violin compositions remixed with unheard frequencies used for brain stimulation comforted me, made me think about everything. About my life.

The muted view of the New Year's party as seen through my identical android's eyes and the feeling of my now-sleeping cat's purring in my lap increased the relaxation of my body, a feeling of distance from everything settling in. I used to get that through strong anxiolytic drugs, but as soon as the non-chemical option arrived, my parents gifted it to me and continued giving me the newest, best models.

Perhaps, someday, I would be back in society like normal, without the use of Sana, my android. Shit happened when you didn't treat such things on time, but waited till the worst point.

That point was where I had been just two years before, breaking down at a New Year's party just like the one Sana was attending. The severity of the attack had me drugged in the hospital for days; it was why I kept to myself as much as I could afterwards.

My parents gave me Sana the moment I left the hospital. Though it was odd to watch your own face and hear your voice and words much like your own, it was comforting. She was an android, yes, but an understanding android. Through her, I could still socialise, but I could also back and let her finish conversations if I struggled. She was me, but a healthy me. A healthy brain; well, a computer, but a brain-like one. Human-like. I wished I could be her.

She dealt with a lot of bad things in my place.

The soundwaves felt so natural after a few minutes, later forcing my brain to think only of nice things. All the positive memories of the past year flooded me, even those I had forgotten on a conscious level. Feelings came with them, the warmth I needed to feel better. Even older memories returned, memories before Sana. It prevented all the bad nostalgia, thankfully.

I wanted all that again. I wanted to be normal, or at least more normal; not dependent on my anxiolytic music. I missed my friends a lot of the time, even when I knew I just could not handle socialising. I missed most my ex, who had given up after a year of constant rejection by me.

New year, new me; an ancient resolution that was always all over the internet, always will be.

If only it worked for me.