I know it's coming. Soon it will be my turn to face my mortality. I'm not afraid, but I'm afraid that my Hazel Grace will go into a sluggish state to a point of no return. The pain, it's getting worse... not the pain of my cancer, but the pain of thinking about Hazel drowning in an ocean of her own salty tears.
I believe in an afterlife. I don't know if we end up in a dimension where the dead sulk around for the rest of eternity, or if we end up somewhere on a cloud with white, angelic wings, but just in case we don't, I wanna make sure I attend my own funeral before I choke. I reached for my phone and told Issac and Hazel to meet me at the literal heart of Jesus. You know statistics say that most people prefer to talk about serious things over text, rather than in person. I agree with that. If I were to tell Issac and Hazel to write me a eulogy in person... i mean shit, i wouldn't even have the balls to do that.
I picked up Old Prosty and made my way to the car. I was driving down to the church and I realized this might be the last time I'm ever driving down here... alive anyways. This could be the last time I see that old trash can that never gets emptied, that graffiti stained park bench, and that homeless man. Every time I go to Support Group I saw that man holding a sign, and every time it said the same thing "THINGS WON'T ALWAYS BE OKAY...." Suddenly it hit me, I see him every week, he sees me every week, and I've never even acknowledged his existence. I got out my car and gave that man a big hug and five dollars. He went inside the store he was standing in front of. When he came out, in his hands he was holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I smirked and threw the lighter on the ground and smashed it with Old Prosty. He gave me a confused look. I just looked at him and snatched the marker from his hand and wrote on the back of his sign, "IT'S A METAPHOR, YOU PUT THE KILLING THING RIGHT BETWEEN YOUR TEETH, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE IT THE POWER TO DO ITS KILLING." I smiled at him and took one of the cigarettes from his pack and stuck it right between my teeth. I looked at him with caring eyes and uttered, "Like this!" He didn't respond, but I just gave him another hug and returned to my car. I looked at my rear view mirror and noticed he was smiling. That was the first time I saw him with almost any expression at all. Another couple minutes past and I arrived at the church.
It's weird. When you know you're dying. Then it really hits you. By hits you I mean drops kick you and then bitch slaps you across the face with spiked gloves. Everything you see reminds you of things. Like this place, the literal heart of Jesus. I remember walking in with one-eyed Issac and seeing the spitting image of what I thought was Caroline Mathers. I remember that first day like yesterday. Well, I don't really remember yesterday because of all the drugs I was on, but you get the point. Overtime I fell in love with this "Caroline Mathers", but not because of her similar appearance, but because she was the best depressed person I've ever met in my life!
I'm looking around the room and out of the corner of my eye i glance at the literal entrance to the literal heart of Jesus, and I see Hazel escorting my asshole friend Issac. We all hugged and I thanked them for being here. It was time for them to speak. Issac went first. Man is he a dumbass, but he's the most loyal one I've ever met. I'm gonna miss this fucker sooo bad! You know if dead people are capable of missing people.
Next was Hazel. Her speech was more beautiful than any novel I've ever read. "I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." - Hazel Grace Lancaster. If anyone deserves to be a writer it's her. She can beat Peter Van Bitchen's drunken ass any day when it comes to writing. Hazel Grace, I'm thankful for out little infinity too.
I spoke to Hazel after and I thanked her for speaking and that I'm sorry I asked her on such a short notice. We spoke for a while and I said, "It's funny you know, "Maybe okay will be our always." because things won't always be okay, Hazel Grace. I mean look at us. We're disgusting."
"Thanks Gus, that's what every girl wants to here..."
"But you're not every girl, you're Hazel Grace Lancaster."
"And you're Augustus Waters."
"Indeed I am. As I was saying, Thing's won't always be okay. Hazel, you don't have to keep it from me, I'm dying. So obviously things aren't okay."
"Gus..."
"Hazel let me finish. I'm not gonna be here soon. My spirit will be somewhere else... just promise me you'll take care of yourself. Okay?"
"Okay."
* * *
I'm at the hospital right now. It kinda sucks. My pain is getting worse... this time it's not the thought of losing the love of my life, but my osteosarcoma.
* * *
I can feel it. I can feel my body getting ready to time out.... I feel hot, yet cold. My chest is pumping, and my lungs are shrinking. Making me gasp for breath.... Now I know what Hazel means when she says he lungs suck at being lungs. Wow, I'm currently in the process of dying and I'm still thinking about Miss. Hazel Grace Lancaster.
I guess this is it. My time has come. Death, he will be my final visitor in this damned hospital room. I tilt my head up and against my pillow and for a moment I see past the ceiling, and I see the stars. These giant balls of gas are beautiful from here. I imagine I'm laying on wet grass with Hazel Grace. I lean onto my sides and look at her beautifully beautiful eyes and whisper in a singing type of voice, "I don't wanna say goodbye, someone tell me why. I just wanna see the stars with you." Suddenly, the stars align perfectly and they form the face I've come to love. Hazel, if you ever read this, everything will be okay. Okay? I love y....
