Two hearts equal one LOVE.

Chapter 4.

Aaron Sorensen

I hope I did the right thing. I couldn't keep it all inside me any longer. When Billy Carmedy said what he said in class, I felt something break inside me. My mom and dad have been acting like nothing ever happened. As far as they're concerned, I guess I'm fixed. I feel like a washing machine. I made an ugly screechy sound and they called the repairman. Now, they can just get on with their 'washing' and life will settle back to normal.

Lord only knows what is going on inside my parent's heads. When my mother looks at me, it's with this frightened glance, but she can't keep eye contact with me for 10 seconds. And my dad, he just doesn't look at me at all. I know that if I went to them and promised that I wasn't gay anymore, that I would be their son again, they would open their arms. It might take my dad longer than my mom, but they want it so much. They'd pretend like it had never happened.

I had always wanted brothers and sisters, and now more than ever. If there were more kids in my house, maybe the spotlight would go off me. Maybe I'd have a brother who did drugs or a sister who slutted around. Anything to let me hide. But, I'm an only child and so, my every move was under the microscope. I couldn't blame anything on anyone else. Everything was always my fault.

I have so much school work to make up, but I have lots of time since I had to drop off the baseball team and drop out of scouts. I had rules on top of rules. They had to know who I was with and where I was going every minute of the day. Not that I got to go anywhere. I went to school and came home.

My friends had all welcomed me back, but the way I looked now, my shaved head and my plain clothes and my silence, had made them back off. I wasn't the same boy I had been when I left. I just said that my time away had made me really tired and I wasn't gonna be going out for awhile. It was really lame, but, sadly, I found that no one really cared. I had been gone for a long time and my friends had kinda moved on without me. It was then that I realized that I didn't really have any close friends, friends I confided in. I didn't miss any of them, except for the fun times we used to have.

I hurt Sissy. She's a really sweet girl who had pushed and pushed to try to get close to me. All her friends had had sex and she wanted it too so she could be part of the talk. I'm ashamed that I had let her blow me and I felt her up just so no one would question me. All that was over now. I had broken up with her, claiming that I'd thought about her a lot when I'd been gone and realized she needed more than I could offer her. She tried to argue me out of it but I was firm. I didn't need a girlfriend.

My father was angry when he asked how Sissy was and I told him it was over. He wanted things back to normal. Normal was Aaron and a girl. Normal was his son trying to get in a girl's panties. He closed his eyes to his son wanting to get in another boy's pants. He would never be able to accept that thought. It was amazing to me that my father used God and religion as his reasoning for what he had done, but he could still want me to fuck a girl rather than be what I really am. His priorities were totally out of whack.

I thought about what I had done this afternoon, telling Billy Carmedy the little that I had. I felt better inside for just saying out loud that I hadn't been at my uncle's ranch. I hated all the lying and now someone knew a little bit of the truth.

Billy and I had never been friends and now I wondered why that was. He was so easy to talk to, so easy to be around. I realized something today. . . . after I had asked for his help; after I had helped him load the feed bags; after he had promised to keep my secrets and I told him about my uncle. . . . after all that, I looked at him, really looked at him and wanted to tell him all of it. I was so scared he'd laugh or back away or worse. What if he was repulsed and told everyone? I've been so confused after that night, all those weeks ago, when I had still trusted my parents. It had all seemed easier then. Now, I had to make my own decisions, deal with my own choices.