Just Something

I walk into my house from school, throwing my schoolbag down to the floor, hearing its insides 'unf' as it lands on the blue carpeted floor below. My mother meets me, not seeing me for 24 hours, she's thrilled to see me and I her. Hugging her cures what I'm feeling somewhat but its not enough, letting go it reappears. Walking into the backroom, I walk immediately to my laptop as I hope it can revive me from this feeling; allowing me somehow to escape this. It updates and I sigh, too much time, too much time I do not have. Memories and pain come bac to me, what I did today. I hold back tears as I remmeber, not wanting to scare my mother or brother who are happy, watching funny things on another computer. I look closer at my computer; the keys worn and some smashed a little, just like me. The update was successful and I smile slightly, only slightly. I look at my phone background; my Chris Barrie background greeting me as always. However, it turns into sadness as I have no messages from anyone. I sigh, its normal for me. Do I even matter? I look around in my document to find a file I dont remember making. Then,after reading the combinations of26 letters, I sigh and remember what badness I did tofay. I decide to listen to music, hoping it would help be forget. Whilst I typed it in, I remembered her; she's so good at singing, better than I. Why did I...? I listned to a few before it becametorture. I text her, hoping it wouldsoothe me. I continue to listen so not to upset the others; they were so happy, dancing to a happy song. I smiled as I liken them to children; oblivious from the world, my world. A sad instrument plays, almost mocking my feelings, from a game of all things. A text is received. I swallow a lump as I unlock my phone to read it, only elipses are there. That's the sign I was dreading; '...' meaning 'I dont want to talk to you'. I lock my phone and slide it across the table a little. I want to get away. Ive tortured her soul enough, she already had her heart broken today and now I've made it worse. Why doesnt she understand? Why can't anyone seem to? I'm mentally ill, I just know it. I know there are many teenagers in my position but I feel I am the black sheep; the odd one out somehow. Im different from the different ones. I write slash, I like a celebrity that everyone else finds strange (my fascination is strange not the person), is there anything which is normal? I sigh and faceplant the table, another song stats as I try to find another way of apologising.Writing letters? Again? Surely I have used that method too many times. Saying 'sorry'? No, she wont understand. I glance at my arm, thinking....but I cant,Barrie has led me this far...I cant just...can I? I look at my arm and see the evidence of many times before. I can picture it in my head. This is burst somehow by my brother coming over and hugging me briefly. I turn off the music to listen to him, even though hes only talking about a game, it seems to calm me, takes my mind of being destructive for one second. When he leaves, the thoughts return. What can I do?