did you ever feel like everything is just too much for you? this feeling is not about things, it's about feelings. and it always get intense at after midnight. you go to bed and close your eyes after a long exhausting day then you suddenly tossing and turning in the bed because your feelings and your mind starts to eat you alive. yeah, this is what's happening to me tonight. it was just a regular day at home with no interruptions and shits but i was feeling sleepy whole day -probably bc of the hot weather- and i went to bed early. but now here i am writing this eyes full open.
ofc there is a lot going on in my brain. so brain has chosen one of my ex friend as the topic of tonight. i can't even blame her it's a good topic actually. lots of love (?) and fucking drama and mistakes and that kind of bullshits.
ok let me tell you the story. i was just a regular high schooler and i can't deny the fact that i was so stupid. whatever, i met with him. i was 10th grade and he is 2 year older than me. i can easily say that i wanted to get to learn about him more at that time. he was not like the other boys. he was so kind so gentle so caring but he was away. not like kilometers away or something but we weren't going to same school. it was hard to meeting with him. back then i used to be a hardworking person. this was not something i wanted to be or i'd like to be. just wanted to be a unproblematic child to my parents bc i was feeling like they are giving their everything to me. but things didn't go as planned. i wasn't as successful in high school as i was in middle school. and my parents were mad about it and i was also mad about it. i really don't know if i was mad at myself or parents or school but i know that i was a massive disappointment and failure. to myself. that's when i met with him.
he is that type of boy you can fall in love without even realizing. especially if you were surrounded by a dickhead high schooler boys. yeah that's what happened to me. i really really really liked him. but he was away and i was a disappointment. i'm saying this because i'm that kind of person who likes to punish themselves. it's not like physical self harm, it just with thoughts and actions. did you miss a few lessons from school because you were too overwhelmed? you can't buy anything for yourself this month. did you fail in a important exam? you can't go out with your friends this week. did you not attend the class in the study and did you not solve enough tests? you can't leave your room tonight. yes, i did this because it was very relieving at the time.
not meeting him was also a punishment i received to myself. and i started to making excuses. 'im busy, i have classes, i need to study have an exam, i'll be away from the city with fam, sorry'
ofc this is not just about punishment. i was insecure and scared. the fear that we don't share the same feelings. as a matter of fact, it also happened that.
it was a winter break for schools, the weather was really cold but i don't remember if there was snow. i was sitting on the bergère in front of the window at the living room and he told me he likes somebody. and i just said 'that's great tell me about her!'
what should i supposed to do? i just accepted it. i'm not that kind of girl who fights for the love and stuff. wish i was but i'm not. it was a defeat to accepted. and i listened him talking about her. not like being excited mood i didn't even read his text abt her i just kept praising. in that kind of situations i always hold back myself. that's what i did i took a step back and held that stupid feelings inside me. never asked about her again and he didn't tell.
i was aware that i wasn't wanted, and i was too proud to tell him, 'i like you,' in such a situation. so it was better to bury it inside. weeks and months have passed but never heard from her again. she was none of my business and it was better to not hear anything about her so it was ok. and it's been months, we've talked every day, but that girl, it's like she's never been talked about.
i was feeling lonely and depressed so i just left his text on read for days and later said that 'i don't wanna talk rn bc i feel so exhausted from everything' and he said 'it's okay to feel like that sometimes take your time i'll be here incase you need'
it was my university exam year. i was a mess. and i just didn't wanted to keep things with him so started to push him away from myself. because i had accepted that i was a friend to him, and i understood that even if he wasn't with that girl, he wouldn't be with me either.
but fuck me. i was very bad at foresight this time.
we had a fight one night and we slept rough for the first time that day. i cried whole night and woke up late. there was a long message on my phone and he was in love with me. it wasn't a cute message like you think. long story short he was saying that 'it was nice to know you but i'm so tired that you don't see me that i'm here in love with you and i can't take it anymore' and he just left.
i left him on read because i was too shocked to say anything. and he just texted again. i don't wanna share this one because it was a hurt feelings. he wasn't rude to me but his patience was run out. i knew him well enough to understand that. and i also accepted that. and we wish the best for each other. it was just it.
it's been 6 years. we deleted each other's numbers, we unfollowed each other on social media. last year he followed me on instagram. he was looking good more than ever. and i just texted him 6 months ago and said 'i'm so sorry what happened in the past i apologize.' and he also send me an apology text. we talked about basic daily things and our lives and it was it.
we are good now but still not in each other's life anymore.
all of this possibilities were shelved before they happened. and at midnights like this i think about us. think about a thousand possibilities. think about being loved. nothing happened. and i may have lost the love of my life.
and at midnight like this i always think about 'what if's'
