Sitting here on my bed in our timeshare suite master bedroom I stare down at my little innocent plumeria clip with snow-white tips and a honey bee yellow center. I bought it just a few hours ago because as a child, I had always wanted one. Every trip to Hawai'i I'd walk past beautiful Hawaiian women with their hair pulled up into elaborate knots decorated with those captivating flowers and I knew that I wanted to be just like them. This one simple, innocent Hawaiian flower had become my definition of beauty and so from then on, I wished and begged to have one simple plumeria clip of my own.
"No, you can't have that," my babysitter would say, "it's too delicate and you'll probably lose it."
"It's too expensive." My dad would comment.
And so life went on without that one clip that my young heart longed for. For years I'd see the other girls come to school after their vacation with their own flower clips stuck in their hair like little butterflies and a prick of jealousy would spark in that tiny heart of mine.
One year, I had a Hawaiian themed birthday party where I was given a beautiful pink hibiscus flower clip which I adored but it still wasn't the same. This one was so big that my mom could not figure out how to put it in my hair, although she tried her best. I was grateful for her attempts to make me happy yet I still yerned for that one plumeria clip that I had set my heart on so long ago. I wished that I could get older so that one day I could buy it for myself and no one could stop me.
Soon I was rushing through life without realizing how good my innocent life was even without that beautifully overpriced clip. But that was the beauty of my childhood too in a way. I was just so innocent. Innocent and nieve enough to believe that one simple plastic foam clip could make my boyish features all disappear and be left with the flawlessness of a beautiful girl shaped to perfection.
How wrong I was.
The thing is, as a child, I didn't realize that every woman and girl wearing those flowers were different. I didn't realize they all came from different places, different families, and different backgrounds. All I knew was that each and every one of them was beautiful even though they spanned across an ageless board of numbers. At the time I forced myself to believe that they were all beautiful because of this one clip. Now I realize that they were beautiful without it as well. I realize that it was just my childlike brain that wanted a reason to why it didn't fit in. I realize that all I needed to do was acknowledge that I was beautiful without that one clip and that I was the only one holding myself back with every excuse for my own beauty being non-existent with my peers. The only reason I didn't fit in was that I didn't give myself the confidence to accept myself for who I was.
So looking at this plumeria clip sitting beside me on my empty bed, it is no longer the innocent butterfly I had once made it out to be. Now, it is a reminder of who I was, who I am and who I'm going to be. It is a reminder that even though I might have doubts, I am who I'm meant to be and I am beautiful with or without the little foam flower of my wistful childhood.
