juilliard|hq

intro no.6: sugawara

  "Koushi, come pray with your sister and I, we're going to the early service." Sugawara Koushi had stopped stretching on the bar and looked toward the door to see his mother and his sister waiting for him. The class of young boys all snickered, pointing at the young mother and whispering taunting nicknames to the boy as he changed his shoes.

  "Oh, shut up, all of you," the five year old put his hands on his hips and looked at the class of laughing young boys. "We're in ballet class, in case you've forgotten what the term 'loser' actually means."

  "Koushi, now," the woman warned, and the boy stuck his tongue out at all of his dance mates before grabbing his too-big duffel bag and running out of the room.

  Koushi stared at his mother as she dipped her head down to pray in the front of the church, and the boy took his sister's small hand and walked over to sit in one of the pews. The young girl immediately picked up the Bible sitting on the pew and started to inspect the pages, even though she could not yet read. Koushi held on to her hand as he watched his mother's shoulders shake as she prayed for her husband to come back, like she did every day. Koushi knew this because at home, when his mother was in her room, she prayed aloud. "Please, Father," Koushi would watch from the crack in the wall at his sobbing mother as she slammed her clasped hands on the night stand, "please just give me the chance to tell him how much we need him. Give me the chance to show him how well Koushi and Himari have grown, give them the chance, Lord, to have a father figure. Please. God, fuck, fuck, fuck!" 

  He had met his father, once, in a grocery store. Koushi had gotten lost in the candy aisle and started crying for his mother, who was nowhere to be seen. This was before his mother had become obsessed with God, and praying, and acting like a miracle would fix her alcoholism and mental stability. A man had come quickly to the crying boy and picked him up, rubbing his back and asking him what his mom looked like. "She's... she's... pretty.." Koushi had said back, wiping his red cheeks and sniffing. The man had laughed, the same laugh that his mother had, and looked at the boy with silver hair and pale cheeks that mirrored his own. 

  "Well, I'd bet she is, with your... eyes..." and as he had started to process exactly who the boy was he was holding, he heard a woman scream a name that made the young boy's head snap to the left.

  "Koushi! What are you-" the woman's voice cut off as she stared up at the father of her child, who had only gasped quietly before gently setting the boy back on his feet. She watched as he stared deep into Koushi's eyes, taking in all of him, before letting the boy trip over his feet, running to his mom. "K-k-kaito..." she whispered, stepping closer to him.

  The man stared at Koushi, and then at his ex-wife, and then at the bottles of wine in her hand. She followed his gaze and silently put them behind her back. "I'm getting better," she said to him, and they both knew she wasn't. 

  "Is that...?" The woman nodded, putting her other hand on top of Koushi's head. The man bit his lip, turning away. "He's.. so... he's so beautiful," he mumbled. She nodded, tears spilling from her eyes.

  "I know," she said, "we did good. You did good, Kaito- he looks just like you."

  The man mumbled out something soft enough to where she couldn't hear and stormed off in the opposite direction, tears racing down his cheeks. Koushi hadn't seen him since.

   The only other time Koushi had mentioned his father to his mom was right before his first dance recital. "Is daddy coming?" he asked his mom, a month after their first encounter. Koushi had picked up on the idea that his father would be in his life now, and his mother just smiled sadly at the boy.