shoreline

PREFACE

It was quiet. This muted presence was a friend of theirs he begun to suspect, but neither him nor his other friend ever bothered to drive it away from its constant tormenting. Their breaths were shallow like a baby's tired huffs as it slept, but even that was too noisy in the presence of nothing. Their nothing.

"What did you want to come out of this, Jeongguk?" Is what is spoken amongst the muted presence of the world. The words ripple dully, resonating in his mind but he's nothing close to being able to comprehend them appropriately. He looks up and isn't surprised to see the same eyes he's begun to recognize through by their lack of wonder.

"Nothing. You know that. We both know that." He receives a hum in return and the sudden view of the back of a head, a sign of acknowledgement that has become trite in their relationship.

"Are you sure?" Jeongguk nods, knowing Taehyung can't see him. He seems able to perceive Jeongguk's answer albeit his direction, simply mumbling out a, "I'm not so sure."

Jeongguk doesn't know if he was meant to hear it, but he's found that by now, nothing is really meant to be heard, good or not. Because by hearing anything that spills out from either of their mouths, nothing is going to change the two and how they feel about each other, their situation. Nothing they say will influence their lives or their way of living-say if they had one to look forward to, anyway. So, whether or not Jeongguk was meant to hear the timid words and the supposed hollowness each letter possessed, he's sure about one thing: nothing was going to change.

However, his curiosity spiked at that, and he can't help but want to find the reason to the unexpected reply.

"Why's that?"

The quietness returns. Jeongguk wants it gone.

"Tae, why are you-"

"Because this was supposed to be temporary. And it still is, but I'm not so sure I want it to be anymore, and I can't do anything about it."

Stress. Worry. Bitterness. Everything Jeongguk knows all too well and more.

It doesn't hit him right away, Taehyung's words. He goes over them once, twice. Once more for good measure, but still doesn't process what his bedridden friend was trying to say. Perhaps this says a lot about Jeongguk.

"What do you mean?" He should feel bad for asking, embarrassed, even. But he doesn't. He's only trying to understand.

"Jeongguk, can you at least try to understand?"

"I am, but can't you just-"

"You have a precious life. A future ahead of you that if you were maybe just a little different, you'd be able to live. But you're not taking advantage of it, and it shouldn't be making me this frustrated, but it is. It's making me feel like shit because I can't do anything to this life of mine that's impending the worse, and there you are in your condition that can be helped, that can be treated to make it disappear forever into thin air. Why is life so cruel to us, Jeongguk? Why can't I just live a normal life with a boy I might've-"

"Stop. You're crying." Jeongguk rises from where he's sat, taking slow, attentive steps to the weeping boy who's looking at him with something akin to fear and he doesn't know why. He sits down at the edge of the bed, causing it to dip with whatever weight he has left. He brings a hand and gently wipes away the tears that have chased the corners of his lips. He keeps it there.

"Taehyung, I still don't know what you're trying to say, because you didn't exactly answer my question. And if you did, I'm sorry I'm too dumb to realize it. But I am trying, so don't make me feel like a bad person who's not, because I am." Jeongguk can barely hear his own voice and he's doubtful his pitiful words even reached the other's ears, but he doesn't want to repeat himself. He doesn't want his chest to constrict even further, so call him a wimp for being afraid of a little pain even when he's experienced the extremes of it before.

Taehyung stares into his eyes, and Jeongguk wants to look away, but he can't. It's like his vision is suddenly adhered to the image of Taehyung sitting in front of him, eyes glossy and cheeks red. He has stopped crying, but Jeongguk doesn't want to say anything else in case it might result in another messy breakdown.

"It's sad we met, isn't it?"

Jeongguk blinks.

"We've caused so many stresses in our disastrous lives, made it just that much harder to live, all because we met when we shouldn't have. Can you at least get that into your head?" Jeongguk nods, but knows he's only doing it on human instinct and not out of his own consciousness.

They shouldn't have met? Jeongguk doesn't agree with that.

"Tae, I don't think that's right. If we didn't meet-"

"Then I wouldn't have developed meaningless feelings for someone like you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Taehyung sighs, then smiles. This time it seems genuine, one of fondness and it eases the tension Jeongguk was beginning to detect. Instead of answering his concern, he drifts from the topic.

"We're kind of like a shoreline, Gukkie. You're the coast, the sand, and I'm the ocean. I'm always trying to reach out to you, but it never lasts. I'll always drift away from you and one day, I won't be there to lap against your shore any longer."

And out of everything Jeongguk heard from Taehyung today, he wished this was the one thing he didn't have to understand.