When The Sky Is Too Grey

Chapter 1

It had begun the moment she assumed she could be pregnant - an apprehension that held onto her differently than it did the other times. Whilst every pregnancy had brought anxiety, it had been tolerable, seeing it more in her husband’s eyes or in the words in his letters, than she felt it herself.

But this time it was more intense, holding onto her heart like a vice that would not let go.

She had waited to tell Alexander this time, wanting to be completely sure. But this was her seventh pregnancy and she was his wife, he knew her body and the signs by now.

He paused one night as he kissed her breasts. They seemed fuller - he had noticed it a few weeks ago but dismissed the thought, because surely she would have told him. But as he took her nipple into his mouth and she gasped in pain, not pleasure, he stopped. She only ever did that when…

“Eliza?” he questioned. Waiting for her her to confirm his thoughts.

“Are you?” he continued, his eyes glancing down to her stomach.

She nodded, biting her lip as a tear fell down her right cheek, “It appears so.”

A sob fell out of her husband’s mouth and he fell on top of her, wrapping his arms around her waist, his head burrowing into the crook of her neck.

“Oh, Eliza.” he sighed.

She was fully crying now too, holding onto her husband with the same intensity.

She was fully crying now too, holding onto her husband with the same intensity.

“My love,” he pulled back stroking her cheeks and leaning down to place a reassuring kiss on her forehead, “All will be well this time.”

She shook her head then, because how could he tell. They didn’t get to control these things. They knew that all to well after the last pregnancy. They had been naïve, they knew there were risks with every pregnancy, but they had already had five pregnancies, and even when Eliza had been unwell with them, she had always pulled through. It had lured them into a false sense of security that made the fall much harder when the inconceivable actually did happen.

Alexander had been out of town and blamed himself.

Back at home Eliza felt she was to blame. Her body had failed her. She hadn’t been as strong as she should have been, as she had been with the other children.

Alexander came home, holding her close and resigning as Secretary of the Treasury.

He had proposed the subject of having another child a year later. Little John was out of his infant stage and Alexander longed for another babe to dote on.

At first, Eliza had been reluctant, not knowing whether she could trust her body to get her through another pregnancy. So he had been patient with her, pulling out and releasing himself on her stomach on the days of the month they knew she was most susceptible to conceiving.

Until one day, when Eliza was riding him mercifully, he knew it was that time of month and patted her thighs as a warning, “Eliza!” he yelped, trying to be as coherent as possible in the midst of his pleasure.

 
Eliza didn’t yield, instead rocking her hips harder against him, throwing her head back and gasping something that sounded somewhat like his name.

“Liza… I…” he panted, frantically placing his hands on her hips in an attempt to slow her movements.

“Shush.” she whispered, bringing her lips down to his to quieten him.