Issues In Mellu's Life

6. Psychosis and Depression

*sigh* I know I'm literally 14 but not a lot of people know this about me and I thought I'd share with me and Amys following.

I've been to a psychiatrist, they told me I had no psychosis. I don't believe them. They tell me I'm fine, I don't believe them.

I've been to therapists and counselors, non of which have helped very much. I'm mildly suicidal but I feel on edge some days depending on my mental capacity to handle things meaning my tolerance for things.

In the first grade, I was completely fine. I liked a boy like any other little girl would who didn't believe in cooties but for some reason I didn't have the part of the brain that dealt with fear or something because I upfront told the guy I liked that I liked him with no hesitation. He laughed at me and that's when anxiety was a thing and I started actually being scared of things.

Second grade was fine but everyone sucked. My teacher was my greatest supporter as I had no friends except for this 1 guy who I dated then we never talked again after he broke up with me. My teacher understood my love for music and everything so she promoted my singing and everything but I've never quite felt like I was good enough.

Third grade I was absolutely insane. I saw a creature and it was only friend. But to what seemed in my eyes I was talking to someone, others didn't see anyone there and it was a full conversation with myself, responding to everything I said to myself. People called me crazy and stayed away from me.

Fourth grade I was bullied for not being like everyone else. I was fat and ugly and annoying and crazy. I was damaged and I still am. I haven't changed mentally.

Fifth grade I made a new friend and she knew nothing about the past and I kept it that way far quite a while. That friend happened to be Amy.

Sixth grade I was depressed and everyone left me because I stopped caring about absolutely everything and everyone. My marks started going down and I stopped caring because home life was shit.

Seventh grade, I was harassed at school, bullied for no reason, depressed but hid behind memes and smiles. Anxious about everything and didn't hide it.

Eighth grade, I deleted my self esteem. It was 100% gone. I regained a slight amount but it went to shit after I stopped seeing a counselor at school.

I'm now in ninth grade with 2 friends at school, will be switching to another school next school year. I'm unhappy and I feel like everyone pities me and hates me. Except for 1 person and that's my boyfriend. I know he loves me somehow, I can just tell by the way he treats me.

Snap back to grade three though. The creature I saw...I remember almost every detail. I scare myself and everyone else around me...I should stop writing this...goodbye