quondam √ h.s.

remember the first time?

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it was strange when you came home one day, and it wasn't your smell lingering when you kissed me hello. i wasn't sure what it was, but deep down i knew. i continued to focus on my laptop, but that smell remained. did you smell it too, or were your senses adapted to the perfume of her?

was i stupid to not believe that you would do that? still, i acted as if the smell wasn't there and already engraved in my memory. you were sweet that night. you peppered kisses all over me, and said that you were so lucky.

harry, was the guilt eating at you?

once you fell asleep i laid there for hours before i got up the courage to tiptoe to the hamper. i held your clothes in my hands for what seemed like eternity, not sure if i even wanted to be aware. i subconsciously wanted you to wake up so i would drop your clothes and climb back into bed, but you didn't. my hands were shaky as i held the fabric under my nose, feeling queasy with her scent filling my head.

i think my love for you took control because i rejected the possibility which seemed all too real. i crawled back into bed and let you hold me, and i felt your warmth as your lips met my neck. you probably didn't feel the goosebumps covering the entirety of my body.

you took me out the next day, and we had fun. it was great to spend the time with you, but did you enjoy spending your day with me? you sure acted like it, similar to how i acted like i didn't smell another woman on your clothes. i could have confronted you, and i should have, but when i looked into your eyes i saw that damn ocean and then i was drowned by love.

wherever your lips found themselves that day, it was as if they were dripping with acid to burn my skin. i remember that same week i finally agreed to go out with people from work. they were excited because i would usually decline their invite and instead be home to see you. when i told you i wouldn't be home that night i thought i saw a flicker of disappointment in your eyes, but that's impossible since your eyes never revealed anything, right?

you saw me leave in a tight dress that was forgotten about in the back of our closet. i looked good, and i was ready to feel good. i hoped that the sharp smell of alcohol could flood my senses to make me forget about her perfume, and it worked. i had fun that night, but when i couldn't trust my legs to carry me, i called you.

i was worried that i would be sent to voicemail, that maybe you were with her. instead you answered almost immediately and your voice through the phone warmed my body even more than the alcohol in my blood. you told me you were on your way, and i couldn't wait to see you.

when your messy curls came into my view i threw my arms around your neck and kissed your cheeks. i pulled back and realized that it wasn't actually you, just a random guy with curls that stood as tall as you. but i saw your dark eyes a mere three feet from me as the guy still had his hands on my waist.

"you should let go of my girl," your voice was thick with jealousy. could you imagine what i was feeling when i smelled the perfume on your clothes?

i apologized repeatedly, slurring "i'm sorry" together. i cried. i thought that you were mad at me for making that mistake. i realized how in love i was with you because i was able to see you in strangers when we were apart. you held my face in your hands and told me it was okay, that you knew i made a mistake. you dressed me in one of your shirts and wiped my makeup off before joining me in bed and kissing my face.

do you remember the first time you cheated on me? because i remember the first time catching you and denying that you would ever hurt me like that.

harry, how was it? or better yet, how was she? clearly better than me, but still not enough since i caught different scents that would haunt me to this day. so, harry, how were they?