December 29, 2017
I don't know how to start this letter, knowing that you will never read this. I guess I'm going to start with the obvious, I like you. I like you a lot. I like you more than just a friend, but I'm pretty sure you know this by now but you will never act on it because you don't feel the same or because of your commitment to your woman, which I totally respect. I'm happy with what we have right now, but for some unknown reason, I can't stop thinking about you. You are always on my mind, no matter what I do. It all started that one night I knew you felt somewhat close to how I did. That night we can never discuss because it's prohibited. That night when I admitted to myself how I felt about you. From that moment on, every little detailed stayed in my mind. I started to admire everything about you. From the little creases in your eyes when you smile, to your beauty mark on your cheek. I can honestly say that I was fascinated by you. Maybe I still am. Who knows? Certainly not me.
It's honestly embarrassing that I'm doing this, but I need to forget about you one way or another. I need to get you to stop coming into my conversations, to stop being the first and last person I think about. I honestly don't know why I'm doing this now. Maybe I'm doing this because I feel that I can express myself better through literature than from actual verbal communication. I will not mention your name in here because that'll mean that all that I'm feeling is real and that I'm finally accepting it. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for a heartbreak, I'm not ready to fall in love, I'm not ready to give completely to someone... I'm just not ready...
I wish you could see what I see in you, I wish you could see all of your potential and how you should be treated. How much I love you and would give to make you happy. How happy I get to see your name appear on my phone. How happy I get when you tell me you love me even though I know is not even close to how much I love you.
I will never forget those late night conversations, those special moments we've had, our constants laughter, our fights, our hugs, everything. Even though I won't forget them, I just wish I could push all of that to the back of my mind and move on. I know I'm not your type of women, I know we'll never be anything other than really good friends. I know I will see you fall in love multiple times until you meet "the one". I know I've broken my own heart because of you, I know I've hurt you, but you don't know how many times you've hurt me as well. I've cried trying to get you out of my mind. I've wanted to forget about you and I have, for a short period of time. But then I see you in person and it's as if time never passed and I'm back to square one, trying to forget how much I like you. At this point, I think saying the word 'like' is an understatement, but saying the word 'love' is too much. I honestly don't know how to phrase that word that I'm so desperately looking for, I'll just stay with 'like' from here on out because it's the safest word.
When will I be able to move on? When will I be able to meet someone who actually loves me back? When will I stop feeling lonely? I wish you would've seen how infatuated I was with you before you fell in love with someone else. I'm not saying that I was never happy for both of you, but sometimes my jealousy and envy got the best of me. If you ever got to experience it, I'm truly sorry. Again, you will never read this but if my some miracle I decide to show you this because out a courageous whim or because I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing, never think that I wasn't happy for you and your partner. I was ecstatic you found someone who saw your potential as a lover and a person in general. Someone that gave their all for you and you did the same. Nevertheless, I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't wish you two weren't together some of the time. Those times I was being stupid and selfish, but I never acted on it, that's something I can promise you. Even when you two fought, I helped you two get back to normal. To this day, I don't know why I did this.. Maybe it was because the idea of you being in the market scared me because I knew I couldn't take seeing you with multiple women. That would break me if I did, I'm pretty sure it still will. I do love you, I love you a lot, I care about you more than you think. If you're happy, I'm happy. Your smile will always brighten up my day. I will always try to make you smile or to make you happy. I will always care for you, no matter what. But I have to forget all of this, I have to move on with my life.
There's three more days left of this year and I told myself that I was going to make myself a promise. I said to promise myself that if you didn't show interest in me in these next three days, if you didn't make it clear that you felt the way I feel for you, when the clock strikes twelve and the new year starts, I will do everything in my power to just visualize you as a friend. Only as a friend, because in that moment, the only person that matters is myself. Not you. Not anyone else. Me. Just me.
