Till Death Do Us Part

A Day in The Life of Hazel Grace Lancaster

After Augustus passed away, I seemed to loose the will to live. I stopped reading AIA, I couldn't bare to look at a copy of "Prince of Dawn" and I had even lost my interest in pointless daytime TV shows like ANTM and Toddlers in Tiaras.

      Grief, pain, suffering, they are all side affects of life. Let me tell you now, you're extremely lucky if this is one of those side affects that doesn't apply to you, well not yet. If, to you, these are the side affects on the back of that box of pills that you never really noticed, if your life is too perfect to be tainted. Trust me. That's not the case. I believe that you never forget the perfect moments, they just get tainted and distorted by the side affects. Instead of something causing you joy, or happiness they cause longing and grief. It's kind of like the Ying & Yang symbol, for every bit  darkness there's light and vice versa. The darkness in my life was not when I obtained cancer, but when Augustus did (again). He was NEC for over a year, I didn't worry about loosing him to cancer, I wondered about him loosing me. I turns out he was the grenade, not me.

   

     Mom never bothers to wake me up anymore, she just let's me lay in bed, unless I decide to go and see Isaac (which has happened about twice since Augustus's death, and it was at Isaac's request.) I sleep, sleep fights cancer after all. Finally, at around noon, I decide to waken from my snow-white-like slumber and change out of my PJs.

     I try to ignore the hollow, craving  feeling that's is present in my stomach and my mind. "I miss him." I think to myself as I head down to the kitchen and attempt to find a piece of food I can hold down for a couple hours. As you can probably guess, I'm not getting any better, in fact, if taking twice the amount of meds I was a month ago and we have to make frequent trips to the hospital in order to have my lungs drained. Life with cancer sucked but life without Augustus Waters was hardly worth living.

         I find some left over pizza from the night before and shove it into the microwave, then flop into the chair next to our dining table, regaining my strength and watching the little rotational plate rotate inside the microwave. Even the smallest things were tiring to me now, all the meds had hugely weakened my heart, so this, added to my lungs-that-suck-at-being-lungs resulted in me tiring out from doing everyday tasks and taking hours to rest up, before again, tiring myself out. No on really knows what to do, the meds that are keeping me alive are also the one  that could kill me. Apparently, I'm one of those 2% that suffer bizzare side affects due to the assortment of drugs they keep forcing upon me. Honestly, the only people I'm worried about are mom and dad, I've had to think about death more than anyone else my age, I guess I've come to grips on the fact I could die any moment from now. But like I always said, the only thing worse than biting it from cancer is having a child that bites it from cancer.