jane wouldnt know

Untitled Part 1

Jane never really understood why her desires never really blended in with what she was supposed to do.  Or why on a Tuesday night she could be found at a shitty party house doing a number of things instead of studying her French, the french that slurred together and was mumbled through during group exercises, the same french that was now being yelled out as if she was fluent. She knew people liked her, it was obvious and yet she never truly believed anyone when they spoke these words to her, any expression of their endearment. And she often told herself that they didn't mean it, that these words were simply for their own sick amusement; that it was to fill a bet, fill their wallets, to fill her. Her parents loved her, they told her, her therapist acted as a messenger between her and her parent, filling in the gaps, assuring jane that they truly meant it, that they were worried about her, and back to them sweet, sweet jane replied back that, they had no reason to love her, and after all she'd be leaving soon anyway, so was their even a point in loving her? That they were wasting their time, that her sister was better, which she was. 

Jane was covered in scars, a good portion of which she had inflicted onto herself, but still. Scars are scars, and they typically they aren't appreciated, even if they are ignored the thought still fill your head. The time you last saw this girl, full of life, real, dark red lines dug into her left thigh, bumps of skin, fading marks, purples and pinks, surrounded by bruises. She seemed happy enough, cold, about to jump in a pool with a layer of fall leaves covering it, her breath matched the smoke, everyone's smoke. And it seemed as if everyone was trying to distract themselves from the life that surrounded them, shots of whatever cheap hard liquor they could get, passing it around carelessly. Nothing was real, nothing really mattered. Everything was just kind of there and life happened around them, things happened to them without much concern. Jane knew the world would turn with or without her if the spinning was inevitable what did it matter what she did during the time it was spinning?