Dear Diary

Entry 1

12/1/2018

Might as well start. I have forgotten everything that has happened over the past two weeks or so. I can't remember New Years, and there was nothing in this Diary, with its stupid red cover and spiral binding, so I guess I didn't start. Well, I planed to start writing down stuff that happened to me, so maybe I could stop forgetting shit, start figuring out why I keep having these random phases of not knowing. Maybe I can read this back when I forget, and maybe i'll start getting better.

My name is Alexis Stewarts, I am 14, im a girl, and something fucked up my brain, so now I can't remember. There are these gaps in my memory, huge chunks just ripped from my mind and thrown to the gutter. I don't remember when I made this hut, i don't remember what its like to be happy, I don't remember how my hair got so short, hell, i don't even remember falling asleep last night! I do remember most of my childhood, and my god I wish that I could forget that. I remember running away, I remember packing my bags and catching a bus that took me here, I remember crying at nights because I could hear the screams and faint thuds through the thin walls of the house. I remember that, clear as day, I remember, I remember...

Today I went to a Rosictiva's house again today, she gave me some canned beans and bread, and a few bottles of water. She is the most amazing thing to happen to me. She talks to me and listens to me and she smiles at me. She has given me everything I have in that hut, the sleeping bag, the candles and matches, the stool; everything but the books. I took the books from home, when I ran off. Rosictiva always tries to get me to tell her more about myself, like why I don't have a home, like what my last name is. I won't tell her because im scared. Im scared that she'll find my family, that she'll send them to me. I would love to tell her and explain everything to her, but to be truthful Im not sure i know the full story, with all of these gaps on my memory. Not only that but she has such an amazing family, they buy her nice things, they keep her safe, they give her what she wants, they love her; she would never be able to comprehend that families could be so... so... torturous.

I think one of the only things that makes the days a little easier is these drawings in my room. They just appear after a blank, god why can't I remember drawing them? Did I draw them? The most recent one was of the moon, abstract and very line based, with trees lining the edges, like the moon was trapped inside of the forest. Maybe a secret admirer puts them here. I don't know, god damn it of course I don't. Its so infuriating, knowing that im forgetting my own life. Why can't I remember... why cant I fucking. remember. These moments that im living through right now might not exist to me tomorrow. 

If a crazy girl lives a few moments in the woods, but no one is around to remember, not even herself, did they really exist?

Ive only lived in this hut a few months now, the police stopped searching for me after two weeks, and they were the scariest two weeks of my life. I barely left this little hut. I starved for so long, and then I met Rosictiva, who helped me out. I tremble sometimes, just thinking about it, just writing this is making me shake. The thought that my family is still out there, people who might recognise me are lurking, that a police officer might be searching for me right now. 

No thats enough, im just freaking myself out now. The owl that always comes by is here again, - I like to call it luna - so I guess it must be time for me to go to sleep. Lets pray that I can remember this tomorrow. Actually, lets just pray that there is a tomorrow.