Sandcastles - Adam Driver

Hurt Deep Inside

"If the merest dream of love were true Then, sweet, we should be in heaven,
And this is only earth, my dear,
Where true love is not given"

-Death Love, Elizabeth Siddal

There I was thinking about everything again. And when I say everything I mean her. Or better, us. How could have I been such a fool? Such a fool to let her go. I knew she wasn't happy. I mean, she was happy with me but I didn't make ber happy. I don't know how to explain. She loved me, and I for sure loved her. I still do. But everything distracted me. I was distracted from her. She would do whatever she was doing and still love me at the same time. We would be watching a movie, her head resting on my shoulder and her arms tangled around mine, like hugging them. Like if my arms were something that deserved to be loved too. She would to the same with my hands. She'd take my hand, plant a kiss on it and rub her face against it. I didn't know how to appreciate that. Maybe I did know, but I wasn't aware of it. Because I didn't appreciate her enough. I mean, I spent time with her, I would sacrifice everything whenever I could and I wouldn't care to do so. But that wasn't enough for her. Some people say she is the selfish one, that I was more than enough. Sometimes I want to believe this, but deep down I know I can't. Because she is the most sensitive person I know and will ever know. She needed my demonstration of love and I didn't give it to her. Not enough. It wasn't unexpected though. She used to tell me that everytime she showed me her love I took it for granted. I would make some kind of silly joke at response and she'd feel like she shouldn't have shown me her feelings again. Not like it was in a cruel way, I just was unaware. And everytime she would tell me I underestimated how she felt. Until she got tired.

Someone came who did appreciate her affect. Maybe she didn't feel as full with him as with me, I knew. She wasn't as in love with him as with me, but he made her laugh and at the same time made her kind of happy so that was enough. When she told me I just couldn't believe i was so... immature. I had make an effort to make her fall in love with me, and when she fell, I thought I had her forever, that I didn't have to make more efforts because she wouldn't left me. But I was wrong, she grew tired of that feeling. I understand her though. I was a person difficult to deal with, and even then she loved me. But there was no going back.

Eight months ago, the same day she left me, I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with anyone but her. Sure I had flings on and off but I made sure not to feel anything. I was focused on being better but the truth was I was still a mess. I felt lonely, not because I were, but because I had distanced from my friends and family. Not that I have some kind of depression, or that I couldn't live without her, because I could, it was just I didn't want to be whitout her. I wanted to spend my time with her, doing nothing, cooking, sleeping, watching movies, have a family, have a life. I just couldn't figure out how to show her I'm willing to be better now.

Hi guys!! I love Adam and since there aren't many fanfics about him I thought i would write one. English is not my first language so if something sounds off tell me, im willing to write better in English. As you can see i love beyonce so the story highly inspired in her songs. I hope you guys like it!!