10 Moments, 7 Choices and 5 People

Choice No. 1: Asking Carlos De Sevilla to Christmas Formal

               Fast forward a decade or so: The year is 2013, there are unspoken divisions between those who had and hadn't had their first kiss and the phaseses of BBM and Sharknado are in decline.
               We now find ourselves at the peak teenybopperness of my teenybopper years...the transition into high school. Having gone to one of the ten feeder schools for the high school I went to, it was natural to know half the grade prior to actually starting high school. I came into this all girls catholic academy alongside my best friend from childhood, Mica Fonseca-Viena and the later addition to our renowned trio, Gigi Folleti. Fortunately, I was hardly faced with the movie-esque scenario of awkwardly choosing a lab partner or the first lunch jitters (although I did eat lunch in the bathroom to avoid an impending disciplinary measure for a week once). Still, I was faced with my fair share of social discomfort in this unavoidably lame transition...one of which was a right of passage at any all girls school: asking a guy to the Christmas formal. And with the exception of securing a date before someone called dibs, it was a fairly hassle free process since (as previously mentioned), everyone knew everyone, social circles were to some degree already established and the statuses amongst our counterpart all boys schools were directly correlated to what after party they attended. This structure (though the textbook example of what's wrong with high school) did make the date selection process simpler, as girls knew where other girls stood and who (if anyone) they would have to compete with for their fine bachelor of choice. It was a reverse courting system like that of a Jane Austen novel...and I hated it.
                  After weeks of writing our options on the sides of Pasión de la Tierra's paper coffee cups after school, Mica, Gigi and I came to decide who we were asking to our first high school dance. Mica went for a handsome and well-liked friend from middle school. Though he was never Mr. Popular, he was incredibly lovable and would fit right into our very elite after party. Gigi, too, had chosen a friend from middle school who was regarded as one of the more attractive graduates of T.U.B.'s class of 2013 and someone we'd later grow very close to. As most of the guys we knew had already been asked or claimed, that left with me only one option: meet, pursue and ask a stranger all before December 6, 2013. So, with less than two months left, the search began.
                   As October rolled by, I grew more and more desperate, until I was finally granted a big break on Halloween. As we (of course) hadn't planned much for the holiday, the three of us were "football players" for the occasion; football players that sported spandex shorts and wife beaters from the dollar store cut in a manner that exposed our entire stomachs (an outfit authentic to the sport and with no agenda other than such authenticity). We ended up at an area called Coco Plum (a popular Halloween spot for teens at the time) where the three of us met up with a friend from middle school, her boyfriend and his best friend. As fate would have it, our modest apparel earned us the attention of the friend and for a greater part of the evening, Mica and I found ourselves under his arms (in hindsight, kind of a pimp-like move for someone we were definitely not looking for just friendship with). We ended up spending the next month growing quite close actually as we met up on weekdays for high school basketball games and every weekend for sunrise place movies followed by roof-top stargazing. Carlos De Sevilla quickly became the teenybopper crush of my teenybopper year, but I was determined not to let emotions get in the way of a very robotic mission. So with sweaty palms and ungodly hours of preparation, I walked into a friend's 15s party (locally known as a quince) with a plan. I would wait for a flirtatious moment, allow for a few seconds of silence and then very spontaneously deliver something along the lines of: "I just realized I don't have a date for Christmas formal...etc.". Not horrible. Cringe worthy, but not horrible. Of course, this went a lot smoother in theory than in practice. To this day, the actual proposal has been my life's only blackout moment from beginning to end (all I know for sure is I didn't follow the script). I remember it was in a bathroom (not sure how we found ourselves in such a position), I was wearing a pale pink dress and it took a painfully long time to ask. All in all, he said yes...at least I hope...or the following weeks must have been very awkward for him.
                 The days leading up to it were exciting and stress-free as the hard part was over. Even the actual dance is kind of blur now.
                Choosing to disregard Gigi's disapproval of him, for months after, Mica and I stayed close with Carlos until the rumors that he was dating both of us began flying around and we knew it was time to end our flirtatious friendships. While I'll never be entirely sure how easy it was for Mica (or him for that matter), it killed me to cut ties. We hardly associated until the summer going into senior year, when we found ourselves with a mutual friend. Having changed (on both ends), we found it difficult to grow close again and now for different reasons, the relationship died. Anytime I hear "Counting Stars" by One Republic (the song I jogged to on repeat December of freshman year). I can't help but be reminded of a time in my life where my most prominent memories are all shared with someone I now find myself border line strangers with. Turns out he's now a respected male model and scandalously related to a family friend of mine, so while we now have no contact now, our paths could cross again some day.
                 So how does this dramatic retelling of a story of a boy who was never even more than a fling lead me to my (semi-morbid) hypothetical 2020 deathbed? 3 reasons...
1. Though it took a while to realize, it's now very clear: I was infatuated with the idea of him more than him (something I'd have the tendency to continue to do). Late nights at the end of freshman year and well into the following one were spent mentally re-living our days sneaking into movies with him and hanging out at Ferdinand Magellan High School after hours. Looking back, the relationship was incredibly romanticized. Though I chose him out of desperation for a date, I could've chosen a number of guys from my middle school or a friend's brother or even been set up. To this day there's a close friend I'll always wish I had asked to a dance at some point instead of trying to find the ideal man. I chose Carlos because I wanted a guy that was handsome and cool and loved the stars and could've been a thing, but for good reasons never was. When we rekindled later in high school, though of course he, too, had changed and grown, I realized I didn't really care much for the human person of Carlos De Sevilla. I had become enamored with the foolish idea of a "could've been" and built it up in my head to be something it never was. And he's not a bad person...at all...he's just not the person I had convinced myself he was.
2. Butterfly effect. As will be seen with many, if not all, of these defining moments and critical choices, they influence one another. Though every choice and moment has a say in the next, the most memorable and life changing have the greatest of all. Obviously. Asking him prompted us to engage in the same social circles which ultimately led to who I spent time with which led to what I spent time doing which led to who I grew into... You get the drift
3. While I like to plan exactly what I'll say in a nerve wracking situation, I've never once been able to remember the Pre-meditated line once the lights are on. 9 out of 10 times, one will say what one wants to say so much better if one just allows it to come naturally. As the infamous day on the boat has taught us, life is unpredictable and people's responses to our actions are one of the many things that are completely out of our control.
                 Asking Carlos De Sevilla was critical to my being. It taught me, changed me, changed my freshman year drastically, changed the dynamics of Mica, Gigi and I and allowed me to see things I'm not sure I would've seen as quickly without him. I don't regret it (as I find it difficult to regret most things), but I sometimes find myself wondering, "Would life be any different if I had just asked that close friend?"