Bwap Bop

I am in so much pain...

I am drained, I can't even write rn.

      I'm back, it is a new day and the pain is still there just not as much. It is a long, overly complicated, drawn out situation for no reason whatsoever. It is my fault, I am the one to blame. I held on knowing I needed to let go, grew the balls to friend him and now I am hurt. What did I expect? I knew for a fact that nigga didn't like me. And I acted like he didn't even exist so why would he wait for me? It hurts to see someone else be happy without you. Cause you feel like you could've made them happy If you were in their life. I mean... you know for a fact you'd be happy if they were in your life. But it doesn't always work out like that

     I missed out on a blessing and a some type of soul finding something. Cant quite think of the word rn. But I just know that this is one of the biggest mistakes and regrets of my life. A simple fucking hello would have sufficed. Pleasant eye contact, Like wtf. Maybe this was my lesson... To stop being so timid and scary, to speak to people first, to go for something If i want it and not worry too much about the outcome. 

     But I know now I can fully focus on myself. But I'll try my best to stay off of social media. Mostly his social media. The him of all hims has ended. Chapter done, Cased closed. No sequel nothing. I feel like this is it. There is still some unhealthy hope deep in my heart but that'll go away soon. Now all I want to worry about is me me me, and school, and my new job that I start in a couple hours, and the family and friends that actually care about me. Stepdad was supposed to be taking me practice driving but idk about that anymore because I start at three. 

     I've cried enough, I've learned, I understand. I'm sorry, hurt, disappointed and there is no one to point the finger at but me. Its easier to heal when someone else is at fault but rn. I'm having an internal battle with myself and I cant seem to win. It just makes me angrier at myself more and more and I gotta stop that. I cant even listen to Jodeci like I want to without me getting emotional anymore.

     It's a bitter sweet moment. But I'm letting him go, I have to. He is free from my heart and mind. I don't know what I was thinking. But I'm glad I got my head's on straight now.