The butterflies, the tunnels and the skies (from 2017)

The butterflies, the tunnels and the skies

The butterflies, the tunnel and the field.

"Looking up at silver coated skies
I can't rely on greener looking times
Memories are in the past
The present Won't last.
So I look at what one may call a dull grey lie
But I choose to see a silver coated sky"

Because this love was my silver coated sky.
I was lost.
I saw a collection of butterflies and they looked at me like I mattered.
And so I looked at them underneath silver coated skies and saw something beautiful.
I let them in. They filled my heart and my stomach with feelings I thought nobody else could bring.
I read their poems and felt their love. But one day their wings turns to razor blades and they continued to fly inside me.
They cut me open and ran away only to come back looking at me again. Like they were before. Innocent.
I put my trust in them and they flooded back into me everywhere.
I felt like everything was fixed and I wasn't broken anymore. I thanked them for fixing me forgetting they broke me in the first place.
And then they got bad again.
And I was even more broken and lost than before.
After the butterflies left me again I had to think.
I was always told I could heal myself better than they could. But it would take time. I could heal myself through art and writing and being creative.. expressing my emotions.
I planned to do this. I planned to do it butterflies by my side but not letting them in. But I couldn't do it. All I wanted was them to come back and flood me with happiness but I couldn't. Because I knew exactly how it would end. I had to say goodbye. We had to go our separate ways.
A day later they came back to me. I backed away but they came closer and closer. They wanted to make me happy again. They wanted to fix me. I wanted them to as well. But I couldn't. I wanted to more than anything but I couldn't. They backed me into a corner and begged me to let them but I couldn't. Walking away after that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
I was still the same scared girl from the night before. But with a hat and a hoodie on. Somehow that meant something.. until I got out there and it meant nothing.
The silver coated skies I once found comfort in loomed over me. Always watching. As the same line from a poem written not long ago by someone i loved played over and over... and over.
Her eyes like silver coated skies.
Her eyes like silver coated skies.
Her eyes like silver coated skies.
It stayed there like the ringing in my ear of a song that has too many bad memories.
A place where I had once escaped to, a place of green grass and blue skies... this became a cold and dark place in the dead of night...

Life is a tunnel.
It has ups and downs.
It has light and dark.
Navigating my tunnel has always been hard.
People have come only to go. Some leave scars, some leave happy memories but most leave both.
The true beauty of the tunnel is when there is another one next to yours. And even better when you know the person inside it well.
This person is navigating their own tunnel. But with them to talk to the whole time. Maybe mine isn't that bad.
As we're both walking through our own unique tunnels we realize ours aren't that different. We aren't that different.
When my tunnel was its darkest the light from next door flooded in and I felt less alone.
I knew I never had to feel alone again. And somehow that was everything.
I look back at what my tunnel used to be. Dark and lonely, I look around me and realize that things are better than they were before. And I'm getting closer and closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. And it took me a long time to see the beauty in my tunnel. And it took meeting my best friend to show me that there's nearly always some light in the dark it's about how you look at it. And I will always owe this person everything. 

eyes like silver coated skies
because they got blinded by the clouds as they loomed, hanging low and dragging me down with them bit by bit.
It's easy to romanticise the pain of a storm when it hits so close to my heart and I take too many blows. The lightning can strike with the ferocity of the twist of a knife in the gut. My eyes were coated silver by the storm. I sat in the field staring up. Unable to move. One blow too many had struck me down and I blamed herself as if it were all I could do with the little energy I had. My eyes clouded with tears that wouldn't fall.
The clouds hung low but I blinked and my eyes weren't as coated anymore and a gust of wind made me shiver in the cold but it awoke me in a startling way. The storm was relentless but I could see now that the sky wasn't silver coated. It was nothing more than a storm.
Slowly but surely the clouds begun to part and perhaps it was that ray of sunshine that hit my hair and turned it gold or perhapsThe chill of the wind.

But I walked away from the storm for it was not her storm to sit under.

And that was the bravest thing the flower had seen and the heavy heart I carried could once again be filled with dreams.

And her eyes weaved with gold.

That's the end to the story of the silver coated skies

And the beginning of my own.

I closed the door behind me walking away from the silver coated skies. Because that's not what they were and I realised that. But what started out as inspiration and hope turned to taking two steps forward, and then five back. Without knowledge of the true impact those five steps had.
I suited up with armour to protect myself from the storm because truth be told I didn't believe that the storm was hurting me, I believed that it's lightning and its butterflies were all that were keeping me alive.
I walked into the field silver coated skies above my head. I walked further in and encountered the butterflies. They gave me the innocent look, the same one from before. I blinked and I blinked to be sure I was seeing the right thing. They still looked innocent. I looked to the sky. Silver coated. I blinked again. Still silver coated. While I was looking up two small butterflies crawled inside my stomach. The happy feeling began. Lightning struck my armour and blew it was pieces.. yet I was left unharmed. It struck me again and I felt alive.
I looked over to the tunnel next to me.. something was wrong.
I soon learned.
I remember back in the summer in those tunnels. Trying to send light over.
Because they'd met the same skies I had.
Overwhelmed with guilt I quickly figured out what needed doing.
I saw lightning coming down again and dodged it.
I ripped the butterflies out with my bare hands still innocent. They turned bad in my hand and cut it. So I threw them and started running.
They chased after me half innocent and hurt, half evil. I ran faster than I ever had before. I got to the door and slammed it behind me. I soon heard the screams of the skies as I kept running tears streaming down my face.
Maybe that place was my drug and that was my relapse.
I knew exactly what was coming next.
The ghosts of the butterflies. There but not quite there.
The starvation of electricity in my veins.
And the realisation that no apology could ever be enough for the person in the next door tunnel