You Can't Keep Running

Chapter 1: Did You Ever Really Care?

"Hey," Someone's voice interrupted my reading. "My brother over there is Nik and he thinks you're pretty hot." I looked up to see a blonde guy, about my age, pointing at another blonde guy across the park.
"Uhm." From what I could see they were twins. "Thanks?" I had no idea what to say especially since I've never seen these guys before.
I continued reading my book, ignoring the guy ahead of me. "My name is Jason." He stuck his hand out in front of my face.
"Hi." I said smiling and shook his hand.
"So, what's your name?" Jason asked.
By this point I was already annoyed at his presence. I wanted him to leave so I could read my book in peace. I got enough people talking to me at school. Being in the park was where I could have some personal time. I shut my book, slipping in my finger to the last page I read. I looked up at him clearly irritated and smiled.
"I know you wanna talk and all but I'm really in-" I heard footsteps running up to me and stopped talking at what I saw.
Nik rested an arm on Jason's shoulder and let out a strong exhale. "Why're you bothering the pretty lady?"
"You're the one who wouldn't shut up about how beautiful she looked." Jason and Nik began shoving each other back and forth as they argued.
I took the opportunity to continue reading my book while they bickered. I was able to finish two pages as they went on and on about who called me pretty. Usually I would be flattered by any guy complimenting me but I was in the middle of this amazing book and I wanted to finish it.
"So," Nik cleared his throat. "What's your name?"
I rolled my eyes and tried to act as if I didn't hear him. "I already asked her that." Jason interjected.
I could tell as soon as Jason said that, that they would start arguing once again and never shut up. "I was just about to tell your brother tha-"
"How'd you know we were brothers?" Jason interrupted me.
I couldn't believe that he actually asked me that. "Moron." I muttered under my breath. "It's kind of obvious." I pulled out my phone from my pocket and checked the time. It was already 5:30 pm and I had to be back home at 7, as my dad doesn't let me have a later curfew. I had only an hour and a half left to spend at the park and I didn't want to waste it talking to these idiots. "Look, I'm super interested in this book that I'm reading and I just want to read it right now." I smiled at them and tried to continued reading.
"Oh, that's cool!" Nik said as he sat down beside me. "What book is that?"
How did neither of them get the hint that I wanted them to leave me alone as I read. If they were actually this stupid then it was smart of me to avoid them. "Dude, can't you read the cover? Don't be stupid." Jason's comment immediately struck Nik and they fought once again.
While they yelled at each other I set an alarm on my phone for 30 seconds. "Do you wanna mayb-" Jason started asking me but my phone alarm went off.
I picked it up in a rush and turned it off making sure they wouldn't see the screen. "Oh! Sorry my mum is calling me." It was an obvious lie but I was hoping that they wouldn't notice. "Hi mum." I stood up still pretending to be on the phone. "Ok, I'm on the way home." I hoped I had said it loud enough for them to over hear me. I turned around and pretended to be disappointed. "Hey, sorry my mum wants me to head home right away."
I tucked away my phone into my pocket and gripped my book tight hoping they'd believe my blatant lie. "No problem." Nik stood up right away. "I can walk you home if you want." His smile was actually kind of cute.
It was his desperation that made me want to wring his neck. "No, no. I'll be fine on my own." I turned and walked away as fast as my legs would take me. If I stayed there any longer waiting for them to give up I would have been there all night.
"You scared her off dumbass!" I heard Jason's voice from behind me.
I heard something-- or someone, hit the ground followed by laughter. I assumed that one of the twins had pushed the other down. I honestly couldn't care about those two anymore. All I wanted to do was read my book in peace. I cut through behind some trees and bushes to make sure that neither of them would see where I was going. I found an empty bench on the other side of the park.
"Jeez." I muttered to myself as I sat down.
I leaned against the arm of the bench and propped my legs up. Loosening the extremely tight grip I had on my book, I rested it on my lap. I rolled my eyes as I checked my phone noticing that I had only and hour and 15 minutes left to myself before my curfew.
You probably think I'm one of those girls who hates being around people and acts emo all the time. I'm actually the opposite. I'm basically a social butterfly in my school and I come to the park whenever I feel like having my personal space. I don't actually come here to read, I've read this book a million times. I can't help it. It's an amazing book. It helped me out when I was going through a rough part in my life. Even though that part is over, reading this book over again feels like a cozy nest. A nest that is always there for me, always open and ready to take me in.
I must have been thinking for quite some time because when I reached the end of the book for the million and first time the sun had already set. I gently closed the book and put it aside. I looked around the park and watched as all the little kids ran around laughing and yelling as their caretakers stood nearby. For the third time in a day I checked my phone. How the time passed by so quickly I didn't know, but it was already 6:33.
I took a deep breath and look up to see a cute little blonde girl standing right in front of me, gazing in my direction. At first I was creeped out by her because let's face it, most horror movies have super creepy little girls in it. But because she wasn't doing anything close to what the little girl in "The Exorcist" was doing, I smiled at her.
"Hi there." I slowly placed my feet back on the ground and leaned towards the girl.
"Hi." Her voice was squeaky and cute.
"What's your name?" Her bright gold hair shone under the street light and she was the cutest little girl I had ever seen.
"Alli." She was sucking on her thumb and it was the most adorable thing I had seen in a long time.
"And how old are you Alli?" She raised up five fingers in response. "Wow, you're pretty tall for a five year old." I smiled trying to amuse her.
"You look like a princess." Her big blue eyes made me want to squish her in a hug.
"Aww, thank you Alli." She waddled towards me and gave me a hug so I hugged her back. "Wanna know something Alli?" She nodded her head excitedly. "It's a secret so don't tell anyone." As she jumped up in delight I whispered into her ear. "I am a princess."
Her mouth gaped open and I smiled at her. "Really?" I nodded my head gracefully. "Where is your prince?"
"He's off fighting a dragon for me." More like he didn't exist at all.
"Wow." She pouted in the cutest way possible. "I wish I was a princess."
I reached my arms out to pick her up and I put her on my lap. "Do you want to be a princess?" Her face turned into an expression of joy that you would only see on a content kid. "Being a princess isn't that easy, you know?"
"Why?" Her eyes never left mine as I began to speak.
"Well, you have to be nice to everyone, you must always speak properly, you absolutely can not have a mean bone in your body at all and you certainly can not hurt anyone's feelings." I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Do you still want to be a princess?"
"Yes! I can do all those! Please! I do want to be a princess!" I laughed a little at how eager she was at such a silly fairy tale.
"Okay, okay. Hold my hand and close your eyes." She clung to my hand with both her tiny ones and shut her eyes tight. "By my magical powers I now make you a princess." I finished off the act by patting her on the head.
She opened her eyes and jumped off of my lap, smiling and giggling. "Am I a princess now?" I nodded my head and she twirled a pretty little twirl.
"Alli!" A familiar voice called out to her.
I looked up at the voice and realized it was Nik-- or was that Jason. "I'm a princess! Look at me! I'm a princess!" Alli ran up to him and started jumping about.
"Really? That's amazing! Who made you a princess?" His commitment to being a sweet older brother was admirable and cute.
"She's a princess too!" She pointed at me with her stubby little hands. "She made me a princess."
He looked up at me and smiled. "Go show mommy that you're a pretty little princess now!" He gave her a quick hug and like a dart, she ran off in the other direction.
I watched her run off as he stood up and walked a few steps closer to me. "Sorry, I wouldn't have done all that if I knew she were your sister."
"What makes it so bad that she's my sister?" He had a point, I didn't really have a clue why I said that now.
"I didn't mean that-- oh no-- I just mea-- Cause I thoug--" I covered my face in my palms and stopped myself from spitting out more nonsense.
Nik-- or Jason started laughing. "I'm kidding. I know you just wanted to be nice."
I groaned at the thought of what I had just done. "Nice? No. That wasn't nice at all." I intertwined my hands and rested my chin on them.
"What do you mean?" He asked watching Alli go crazy with her mom.
"I just made her believe in a silly fairy tale that makes girls feel stupid and less important." I watched along with him.
"No, you made her believe she was a princess." He looked down at me and I directed my attention back at him.
"That's the fairy tale." I hated leading people on especially if it was something that would make them believe they were something that they really weren't.
"It's just a little act for her. Come on, she's a little kid." He shrugged it off easily but I couldn't do the same.
"It's starts with a stupid little act," I looked over at Alli who was still twirling all around. "I still lied to her."
"Chill out-- uhhh..." I glanced at him and noticed he was confused.
"What?" He chuckled and smiled.
"I never actually got your name." He started to blush a little and, honestly, he looked cute.
I hadn't realized how mean I was being only a few minutes ago. "Karmen." I held out my hand with a smile and he shook it. My smile faded when I had a question of my own. "This is probably gonna sound like I'm stupid but... are you Jason or Nik?" I felt my cheeks go red as the words left my mouth.
Instead of being offended, as I expected, he laughed. "I'm Nik." He noticed how nervous and awkward I had gotten. "Don't worry not many people can tell the difference." Obviously. "But at least you have the guts to ask. Some people just pretend like they know."
I laughed with him and when it subsided we didn't talk for a while. "Alli, is an amazing little girl." I was never a fan of little kids but for some reason Alli was an exception.
"I know. She is the cutest little sister. She gets on my nerves at times but I'm used to it by now." The fact that he was smiling at the thought of his sister was the sweetest thing.
"Hey, I'm sorry for being such an ass back there." Talking to him now, I didn't know why I was in such a rush to rid of him earlier. "I was-- I just--"
"You wanted to read your book. I get it. No problem. My brother and I should have left you alone. Don't sweat it." I shook my head. "What?"
"You suck." He looked insulted but I continued on. "You're being so nice! It makes me feel worse for being so mean!"
"Good." I shoved his arm and we both laughed.
"You aren't as nice now." I smiled at him as he sat down beside me. I had a sudden feeling of Deja Vu and for a moment he just stared at me in silence. "Hey creeper!" I shoved him again, not being able to handle the staring any longer. "What are you staring at?"
"Uh... Sorry. You look really familiar. Have we met before?" His eyebrows furrowed together as he thought about it.
"Yeah, a couple minutes ago when I was trying to get away from you and your crazy brother." Was he kidding right now? I didn't understand.
"Hahaha, nice one smartass." He was being sarcastic. "No, I mean before that. I swear I remember you from somewhere."
"I don't think so." I wanted to change the topic from this empty conversation. "So, what school do you go to?"
"Heather Crest High. You?" I was shocked, my mouth gaping. "Shut your mouth! A fly's gonna get in." He raised his gentle palm to my chin and slowly closed my mouth.
"I go there too!" How did I not see Nik around school?
"Well I'm actually moving there in a few months." Nik looked at his phone and got up. "I gotta go, it's getting late and I'm gonna head home with my family."
"Sure, I'm heading home too." We both stood up and he smiled at me.
"See you around?" He held out his hand.
I glanced at it and offered my own in return. "You bet."
We both turned and walked our separate ways. "I didn't say goodbye to the princess!" I heard Alli's cute little voice yell out. I turned around and saw her running towards me. With almost falling flat on her face a couple times aside, she was the sweetest little thing. "Bye princess." She hugged my legs tight and I couldn't help but smile. "Thank you for making me a princess too."
I squat down on one knee getting my jeans dirty. "Remember now princess, you must be nice to everyone, even if they are strangers to you." She nodded excitedly and ran off to her mom.
I stood up and watched her tiny little feet stomp against the ground. Nik caught my attention and I smiled at him and waved. He had a hand on the back of his neck and he smiled, waving with his other hand. I turned and walked home.
==============================
I shut the front door to my house gently behind me. I lived in what people called a mansion but to me it was just a huge house that I hated. I wasn't being ungrateful or anything, I just didn't like the fact that my small family had this huge house and we barely used half the rooms. It feels like another family could have put this whole house to proper use. There were three floors in my house. Well, technically the third floor was just an attic, also know as; my room. I stood against the door gazing at the huge monster that my parents called a home. The first floor had everything we needed to entertain guests. It had the living room, dining room, kitchen, other supply closets and the house keepers rooms. There was a grand white staircase standing right in front of me that split into two smaller staircases, both of which brought you to the second floor. There, my parents room was on the end of the hall, followed by two guest rooms, a powder room, and a bathroom. I never really cared for the difference of a powder room and a bathroom but from what my mom told me, a bathroom had a shower, sink and toilet, where a powder room just had a toilet, sink and mirror.
The attic was the 'Karmen only zone'. Huge emphasis on KARMEN ONLY. I had plenty of choices on where to have my room when we moved in here at the start of the school year and of all places I chose the attic. Something about the pull down staircase door, and secluded area on top of everything else made me feel secure. My room wasn't anything special. I had my own bed, TV, gaming consoles, books, desk, everything any average girl would have in their own room. My room even had a walk in closet and my own bathroom. Since this room was what I wanted out of everything, my mom tried to convince my dad that I didn't need it.
"Karmen?" My mom's angry voice called out from the dinning room. "Karmen Seversson, is that you?"
I rolled my eyes wanting to run straight up to my room and fall into my own little world but I couldn't. "Yes mom, it's me."
I walked in the grand dinning room that was fit for a feast of a million people and saw me parents sitting at the center of the table, side by side. "Where have you been young lady?" Both my parents had a stern look on their faces. "I gave you a curfew and expected you to stick by it!"
"We were both worried about you!" I looked at the huge grandfather clock behind them.
"It's only 7:03." I pointed at the clock but neither of them even glanced at it.
"Exactly. You are three minutes late! When we say to be home by 7, we expect you here safe and sound! Not three minutes later." My dad was outraged that I was 180 seconds late.
My mom and dad both went on about how much of a bad kid I was but I couldn't think of anything to say. Not because I felt guilty or bad about being THREE minutes late, but because I was questioning their sanity. I was trying to come up with a reason that they would be insane like this. The only thing I could think of was they were hopped up on some drug that made you extremely anal.
"We raised you since you were a kid and you never disobeyed us like this before. What's happening? Are you hanging out with a bad crowd? Are your friends hurting you?" My mom began babbling but my dad decided to talk over her. "Are they like your old friends back in-- oh, what's the name f your old school?" She snapped her fingers in the air trying to recall the name. "Oh! Bullworth Academy! That's it! Are they treating you like that again?"
"I don't care what crowd of kids you're hanging out with these days. If they are going out and being badasses I don't care, but I don't want you trying to be a rebel too. You've never broken our trust like this before. I'm really disappointed in you Karmen." My parents were being absolutely ridiculous.
"I'm sorry?" I had no idea what to say because this had never happened before. "It uh... it won't happen again." Sometimes to get out of something the easiest solution is to just give up.
"Alright. don't think you're off the hook young lady. But for now let us eat." My mom offered me a plate and I took it.
I scooped some food from different bowls and plates onto my plate and sat down to eat. "Karmen," I had hoped the conversation was over but my dad wouldn't just give it up. "are you feeling OK? We were just worried because of what happened last year. We thought maybe you relapsed again and we panicked. We didn't mean to burst out at you like that. It's just... after last year... you need to understand that we will never be able to calm down again. I know you're a teenager now and you want your privacy but with your world the way it is we need to watch you even closer now." My dad was more concerned that angry now.
"Yeah dad, I know. It happened to me." I remembered last year all too vividly.
"Just because it happened to you doesn't mean it only affected you. Your mom and I were hurt because of it too. Don't try to spin this and look like the victim in all of this."
I dropped my fork and knife on my plate in shock. "I AM the victim dad!"
"Karmen!" My mom attempted to scold me but I had blocked her voice out.
"You are NOT the victim Karmen. Your mom and I are the real victims. Don't be so selfish." How could my dad sit there right across from me and say all of this.
"How in the hell were you and mom the victims?" I raised my voice and my parents had noticed.
This in turn made them raise their voice. "Your little stunt made us look bad!" My dad yelled.
"How do you think we looked being your parents? We own three fourths of the businesses in this town! They all look up to us to be the perfect family that they can trust and can come to in times of trouble." My mom tried to interject with the argument but I just rolled my eyes.
"Your mother and I are trying to help you here. We want you to live the rest of your life as if that year didn't happen. We want you to forget that last year happened. We really want that for everyone." My dad tried to hold my hand but I pulled away quick.
"That's all you care about! You only care how both of you look! You never think about how I feel! you never care enough to know what I do with my life! The only time you bother to check on me is when your own image is being damaged! Did you care at all the night that it happened? Did you care at all! No you didn't! You know why? Because I do! All you care about is work and getting more money! That is all you care about! Your life revolves around one thing! Money! That's it!" I was on the verge of tears.
"The reason we care so much about money is to get money to take good care of you! We do all of this for you!" My mom tried to reason with me.
"Bullshit!" I could tell they were taken aback at my foul mouth. "You don't do all this shit for me! Everything you've filled this house with is just another useless piece of trash to me. You both are the only ones that give a crap about how you look. You could be helping out a charity with all this money but no, to you it's more important to have a giant fucking statue that you won't even pay attention to after a week! Wanna know why? Because you both are shitty excuses of parents that don't give a rats ass about Anyone but yourself! Face it! You two are self-centered assholes who couldn't give two shits about how I'm doing!" I stood up in anger and jammed the knife into the table.
It stood on end as I glared at both of my parents. "Karmen, you need to calm down." My dad slowly stood up with his hands in the air.
"Darling, do you need therapy again?" My mom had said the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time.
I gripped the handle of the knife and dug it deeper into the wooden table. "Don't 'darling' me! You guys sent me to the therapist when you had no fucking clue on how to deal with your 'crazy' daughter! Look at me! Does it look like that psychotic lady helped me at all? No! She sat in a chair pretending to know my troubles as I told her everything that happened!"
"Bailey, I don't think sending her back to the therapist is the smartest idea." My dad scolded my mom for even suggesting the idea. "Karmen knows what she's doing, if she says she doesn't need therapy then we won't send her there again." I gripped hard on to the knife and pulled it out of the table. "I just need to ask you one thing and answer me honestly. Are you OK?"
It took me a while to answer my dad because even though I wanted to curse him out for thinking he was the victim in this scenario, I knew that would do me no good. "I'm fine." I slammed the knife down making sure it wouldn't stick into anything.
I turned hurriedly and walked out of the dinning room. I walked up the huge staircase. When I reached the end of the steps I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I pulled on the handle to my room and climbed up. I locked the door and plopped into my bed, face first. I tried to control my feelings and was only a bit successful.
I turned in my bed so that I was face up, looking at the ceiling. I exhaled deeply still in disbelief that my parents made themselves the victim in the situation. In no world would I ever have expected that from them. I mean, they weren't the best parents when I was younger, it was hard to be a good parent when you were never around. I didn't expect them to know what to do when they finally found out about the disgrace I caused. I didn't even expect them to address the situation. But I never in my entire life expected this from them. I knew they were selfish, but not this selfish.
I turned my head to the left and stared at my light blue desk that popped out in this dark gloomy room. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and got up. I walked towards the desk and ran my hand along the edge. This desk had been with me since I was little. All my school papers, information, activities, everything was all here. I kept everything I had ever written down in these drawers. I opened the top drawer and stared at all the joyful little crafts I used to enjoy making. I used to enjoy a whole lot of stuff before....that night. I shut the drawer with some force and opened the next one. It was filled with all my school exams, arranged by year. I picked up a stack at the far left, these were my 7th grade papers. All of these papers had less than three mistakes. I was always the top student and the smart one in class. This was all when I was never on anyone's radar. At the time I wished the would change but now I would give anything to be invisible once again. I shoved the papers back in the drawer and pulled out the other pile on the far right. These were all the papers during the year that I was a big fat blimp on the radar of shame. My scores barely reached half the total. That year my teachers began worrying about me because they knew I was a good kid. They knew I had potential. They knew I was more than what everyone was saying. They knew me. If only everyone knew what they knew. Holding these papers I felt every emotion of being an embarrassment rush through me. I didn't want those feelings. I spent too long trying to block them out. I threw the papers in the metal bin under my desk. I grabbed the matchsticks that rested near a candle and lit one. I tossed the burning flame in with the papers and watched it burn. I gently closed the drawer. I opened the bottom one and my eyes poured out tears at what I saw. It was all my most loved toys when i was little. When I still knew the meaning of happiness. All I wanted to do was grab all of them and drown in the sea of memories that they carried with them. I slid the drawer closed as my tears rained down on the symbols of my childhood memories. I sat on the floor crying. An old rotten desk of memories ahead of me and the first evidence of my sorrow burning beside me.
When I could feel my body free of any liquid that could be released I stood up. My knees buckled a bit at first not realizing how dreary I was feeling. I gripped the table with both hands trying to stabilize myself and gain my balance back. I was feeling worn out and wanted to give up right there. I raised my head so that I gazed at the wall. I had posted all the inspiring things I had come across right there. A variation of quotes, pictures, experiences and inspiration tacked onto the wall. In the center of it all was a plain white paper with my mom's writings on it. Not my current mom, Bailey, but my real biological mom. Her name was Gina, she passed away when I was only 1 year old. I remembered finding this in the bedside drawer of my dad's room when I was 7. At first I was furious that he never gave it to me but when he explained that he was saving for a time I needed it, I kind of understood. By 'kind of' it meant I still got mad and stomped out of the room, but I knew it wasn't my dad's fault. There were only a few words written on the sheet of paper but every time I read it it made me feel special. I never heard my mom's voice but whenever I read those words I imagined it in the most motherly voice I could imagine. Just knowing that my real mother had thought of me this was ever since I was young gave me a feeling that I couldn't describe. No matter how many times I read it over and over again, I will always tear up to it. I ran my palm across the paper, acknowledging that it was real.
"I love you, Karmen. Every bit. From your brown hair to your tiny little feet. I know you are perfect."
Just reading it made me cry again. I pulled the paper off of the wall and held it in my hands for a while. I wish I could see my mother one more time just to hug her. My tears fell onto the paper and I didn't care because I coudln't stop them. I dropped my head on the desk and sobbed there, still holding the paper in one hand. I stuck the paper back in the center of everything else. I wiped my eyes and when I tried to focus once more, my eyes were caught by my real mom's photo. When Bailey married my dad two years ago, she made it a big deal that we don't keep any photos of my real mom because it made her uncomfortable. After threatening to run away and never come back, my dad came to a solution. I would get to keep the photos in my room but I wasn't supposed to tell Bailey. I hated that I had to love my biological mom in secret just because that woman lived with us. It pained me whenever I had to call Bailey 'mom'. I dreaded it, but because it's what a proper lady would do, I had to do it.
I turned around and took comfort in my bed. I cuddled with my blanket and lay there thinking about everything. Everything that I thought would happen in my old school. Everything that actually did happen. I hated telling kids these stupid little fairy tales because my dad used to tell them to me. In every single one the princess got her prince by being herself and rushing into things even though she was a little clueless. In fairy tales, that got you a prince, a castle and a kingdom. In reality, that got you a broken heart, destroyed reputation, and endless nights crying into a pillow. I would give everything to see what life would be like with my mom here. Maybe if she was around I could have gone to her in the times that I needed a parental figure most. Maybe things could have been different.
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I was looking into a mirror at my old school. My brown layered hair lay across my shoulders. I wasn't wearing any makeup because lucky for me my skin and genes made me look all made up without any effort. I was wearing a white sundress with a brown belt. I had all kinds of elegant accessories on and beige heels. I had a handbag hanging from my arm. My life was all kinds of perfect. I walked out of the bathroom door and there was a crowd of people laughing at me. Instantly I felt deeply embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, terrible, used, taken advantage of, and worst of all I felt like a disgrace. Someone in the crowd held up a mirror and I saw myself. I was wearing my old thick prescription glasses. My hair was stringy and dirty, tied in a low ponytail. My posture was slouched and I looked devastated. I was wearing a red shirt with a green hoodie over it. I had a blue skirt on and black tights underneath. The crowd began yelling and taunting me. All the yells were insults. Every single one of them flying at me and stinging like a bullet. Everywhere I looked I was surrounded by people. There was no place to run, no place to get away. I turned in the sea of people and every where was another insult. I fell to my knees and the words 'slut' 'whore' 'wannabe' 'tramp' 'home wrecker' 'trash' 'shit' and many more rolled off of every ones tongues.
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I woke up gasping and drenched in sweat. I had to take a couple breaths to calm down and when I got my bearings I exhaled deeply. My mouth felt dry and raspy. I threw off my blanket and got up to get a drink of water. As I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen I kept recalling the terrible nightmare I just had. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and poured myself a cold glass of water. I gulped it down fast and when I was done I placed it in the sink for it to be washed the following morning. I rested my palms on the counter and looked down, closing my eyes.
"I can't keep running." I whispered to myself.