once in a blue moon.

ii

why i didn't kill myself

and this was it.

i looked around and saw the very end of time. i saw the world come crumbling down around me.
but i didn't mind.

the sound of waves crashing against the cracked stone, moistening it with the salty tears of the earth.

the ground lacked the stability it once resembled, and i felt the growing ache of the world come to rest upon my shoulders pushing me
further and further into the
sinking mud of the cliff.

drowning, but not within the waves
as i once intended,
drowning in pain and ache
the world had felt for me.

the rain streamed from the heavens, down upon me and the cliff and into the ocean.

it was cold and bitter and in that moment it was as if the thick dark clouds were calling to me, beckoning me to join them.

but the waves reckoned with the forces slamming
with the greatest force
against the tumbling stone,
i looked up.

the clouds weren't calling for me
to join them,

they were telling me to
not waste the all the agony they'd endured for me.

sobs wracked my body, shaking i could feel every single bone breaking under my skin.

i felt each and every muscle tear, i felt the blood rush forth from my corpse and pour into the crashing waves.

but they did not want my blood on their hands nor did they want my traces be swept up within it.

and in that very moment, where all the forces upon the earth were telling me that if not for myself

- if not for any being -

to not waste their efforts for them.

i came to the most treacherous epiphany.

no one can save you, no one is going to be there to pick you up and save you.

my whole life
i had relied on others to help me,
i was always very dependant.

but now was the time where i could choose,

die and let the universe claim my body unwillingly or

pull my head in, get my shit together and leave.

i would save myself.