Before i die

I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he lived under my bed. Whenever I wanted him, I could pull him out whenever I wanted him, and let him look at me as if I'm beautiful. He would take his clothes off and I would nearly fainted, he'd take my clothes off to. He would whisper,'mazy, I love you. I really do love you. You're beautiful- exactly those words.-as he undressed me.

I switch on the bedside light. There's a pen, but no paper, so on the wall be hide me I write, I want to feel the weight of a boy on top off me. Then I lie down and look out window at all the stars In the sky. Dad will have the lottery ticket and cal will have chosen the numbers and they'll sit in front of the tv and eat dinner from the trays on their laps. They'll watch the X factor, then they'll watch who wants to be a millionaire? After that call will have a bath and go to bed and dad will drink beer until it's late enough for him to go to sleep.

He came up to see me earlier. He walked over to the window and opened the curtains. 'Look at that!' He said as the light flooded the room. There was the afternoon, on the tops of the trees, the sky. He stood silhouetted against the window, his hands on his hips. He looked like a power ranger.

' if you won't talk about it, how can I help you?' He said, and he came over and said on the edge of my bed. I held my breath. If you do it for long enough, white lights dance in front of your eyes. He reached over and stroked my head, his fingers gently massaging my scalp.

' breathe, mazy,' he whispered.

Instead, I grabbed my hat from the bedside table and yanked it on right over my eyes. He went away then.

Now he's downstairs frying sausages. I can hear the fat spitting.the slosh of gravy in the pan. I'm not sure I should be able to hear that from all the way upstairs, but nothing surprise me any more.

I can hear cal unzipping his coat now, back from buying mustard, ten minutes ago he was given a pound and told, ' don't talk to anyone weird.' While he was gone, dad stood on the back step and smoked a fag. I could hear the whisper of leaves hitting the grass at his feet. Autumn invading.

' hang your coat up and go and see if mazy wants anything,'

Dad says. ' there's plenty of blackberries. Make them sound interesting.'

Cal had his trainers on; the air in the soles sighs as he leaps up the stairs and through my bedroom door. I pretend to be asleep which doesn't stop him. He leans over me and whispers,'I don't care even if you never speak to me again.' I open one eye and find two blues ones.'knew you were faking.' He says, and he grins wide and lovely.'dad says,do you want blackberries.'

'No.'

' what shall I tell him?

'Tell him I want a baby elephant.'

He laughs. I'm gonna miss you.' He says, and he leaves me with an open door and the draught from the stairs