grey colors. (Boy X Boy)

grey colors.

"He kissed me softly, his cold but moist lips touching me, engulfing me like Poseidon's raging waves, and exploring me in all the ways I couldn't describe. The soft pink flesh of his lips slowly exploiting me; leaving me vulnerable."

I woke up silently on a bright Sunday morning. Like usual, my parents were probably out at some stupid charity thing, never having enough time for anything productive in their lives, on only living; not feeling. They say being alone can bring out the biggest changes in people. I could only believe that it was just a load of bullshit. Ridiculous. I lived in a small house in the quiet, secluded areas of Italy. I slowly got up from my white sheets and from under the deep warmth of my blanket containing the fifty shades of grey that could be used to describe my whole color spectrum. My rough, callused feet gently descended upon the bitter, cool white marbled floor. I urged myself to stand and slowly limped to the door in a drowsy manner. Making my way into the narrow hallway, I nonchalantly escorted myself towards the bleak stairs coated with velvet-red carpet; shouting for attention and boasting of royalty, while completely being the polar opposite of the mundane and tiresome life that I continued to live every day. My toes brushing against the small bristles of the carpet, almost as it's inviting me to trod on it; to gracefully accept that this is the way it has to be. That every morning, I would have to casually repeat this same series of monotonous events. A life without color. A life without meaning in where the only joy I could receive would be by spending my mornings secluded, able to blast my music while enjoying the serenity around me. 'The way it had to be.' I made my way to the bottom of the spiraling staircase, hypnotizing me and forcing me to re-evaluate everything in my life with each step. I didn't choose this and yet at the same time, I wasn't even aware what 'this' was. Was I lying to myself or prolonging myself from the truth. Who am I. What am I. Why am I. Questions for answers I would never receive. Because the awful truth, or the painful lie, was simply this. This 'disease'. My mind slowly poisoned by the media, by religion, by society, by my own parents. The truth that I couldn't even bring myself to. Unable to be honest with myself. Because I was, I could be, the simple three letter word. Gay.

I trod my way across the barren floors to reach the open kitchen, slowly making my way to the pantry. I took my box of cereal and exited. It was all I needed, something so plain and simple. Enough to sustain me for a morning. However, unfortunately, only able to keep me sane temporarily. I needed my lifetime fix. Not something, someone. I plopped myself down on the couch and turned on Netflix. Scrolling through the infinite selection of movies, endlessly scrolling through them as I would my life. Waiting for the perfect moment but never taking any action. Just sitting stationary, waiting for a chance I could only dream to have. Someone I could only dream to hold. Hope to love. Dream to be with. And Hope to live with. Just dreams and hopes. Useless fantasies and thoughts not worth having because they would end up only as disappointing realities. Heartbreak, heartache. Joy to sadness. Bright to dismal. My shades of grey as my personal shield to protect me from all the disgusting people of the world. Protecting me. That shield, that I spent eons to create. To figure. To frame. All broken down in a summer because I went against my own promise. My own oath. I fell in love. And was it worth it? To be happy with a section of a never-ending life-span. To take up a centimeter on a ruler. That one person who helped me discover myself. I could do with and without. And it confused me. What did I want? Who did I want? And this is my story. This is what I became. This; is who I am.

[Summer of 2018]

I open my eyelids and immediately, my ocean blue pupils contract, limiting the light that I receive. My chestnut eyelashes blink once, then twice, and finally for a third time. I reach up to shuffle the untidy, curly brown locks of hair that lay on my head, trying to process the day. I get up from my crumpled sheets worn from sleep and make my way silently toward the window, in nothing but my boxer briefs. The sun is shining brightly and not a single cloud to be seen. The trees sway silently with the warm summer breeze and life breathes from outside. I leave everything as is and I stroll downstairs, assuming that my parents are away again, that I have the entire house to myself. That I am alone, just where I want to be. My footsteps echoed into the hall and I began to think about all the ways I could improve myself this summer. Making new friends; no. Reading a book; what's the point. Experimenting and building a close relationship; especially not. My number one thing on the list that I vowed never to do. Forming close relationships. No best friends, no fuck buddies, and no relationships. I couldn't emphasize it enough. No relationships. It's not that I didn't want one. In fact, I lusted for one. To be close to someone and to share everything with them. It's basic human nature. No one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to be with someone; and while it may be a friend or a family member, being secluded is something one does not want. No, it's not that I didn't want one, it's that I couldn't have one. I had to protect myself, to enforce my bubble, to make myself untouchable because I knew that if I let myself slip, then I would fall deep into an inferno. A dark ending that would only end in heartbreak, pain, misery, and a wanting for closure that I could never receive. Protecting myself would be the only way I could continue to live free from stress. And I kept telling myself that. Indeed I was so lost in thought that my selective hearing didn't comprehend and alert me of the chattering that was taking place in the kitchen. But by then it was too late. I had walked in at the last moment and all the talking ceased. It became silent. At the circular mahogany table sat my mother and three other people. A tall woman with a sleek face and deep grey eyes reflecting thought. A tall man; muscular, and large. Sporting a growing beard and his eyes dark and brown studying me and staring; not in distaste, but of astonishment. Yet, I could only wonder what he would be thinking of. And the last one, a boy, around my age. His soft rosy cheeks and his wide eyes filled with curiosity. His brown hair brushed carelessly to the side absorbing the sunlight penetrating through the window. As soon as his gaping eyes met mine, they swiftly moved down to gape at my crotch. They scrambled back up to reunite with my eyes again. Even in that split second, he was blushing profusely and suddenly, his eyes darted away from mine. My mind took a while to process that I was still in my boxer briefs. And to think, that all of this happened in a timeline of three seconds. I quickly dashed out of the room leaping up two stairs at a time. I hurriedly entered my room and shut the door behind me. I threw myself on the bed, put my hands over my head, and propped my knees up. My mind wandered into nowhere as I struggled to try and even comprehend what was happening. Apart from me being chagrined, the boys face burned into my mind, almost as if a hot iron was branding and leaving an imprint of all his features. Leaving with no time to waste, I walked out of my sliding glass window unto the balcony that connected the room next to mine with my own. Like an everlasting love connection. Impossible. I jumped from my balcony into the pool three-stories below. And as I fell, my body sliced the air like a blade of glass, the small curvatures of my body creating drag against the wind. My hair rushing upwards. And then it happened. A cold surge rushed throughout my whole body as I crashed into the cool waters, my body slowing down and descending under, and then rising to the surface once again. My head protruded the thin films of the water and the surrounding liquid rippled around me. There I was in the pool, physically and emotionally naked. All I wore were those boxer briefs that now clung to my skin due to the cohesion of the water; exposing all my sexy curves. It was at this moment that I wished for the boy to come outside to see what all the commotion. Just for him to see all the stuff that he wouldn't get. Also to see if this boy liked other boys. To see if he would join me in attempt to win my heart. But I guess the real question was if he could make me betray one of my most trusted rules. To make me silently lie to myself and tell myself that everything was going to be okay. I waited a few moments in an endless hope cycle just waiting for him to even look out the window to see what was happening. I silently stole a gasp of air and released myself, floating to the bottom of the pool, hazily gazing at the sunlight above from within the waters. I drifted my eyes closed and waited for something, anything to happen. I began to struggle to inhale the air that wasn't present around me. Choking me. I revolved myself and pushed up from the ground and propelled through the water to the top. As I exploded towards the surface once more, I caught a glimpse of his face and immediately tried to stay underwater but it was too late. My disguise was exposed and my head peeked out from under the water curtain. Our eyes locked again with silent reticence.