One Direction Imagines

She was his light - Harry

I’m positive there was a time when the world wasn’t out to break each and every soul, where children grew up strong and valiant, ready for the hard work ahead of them.

Society today has grown weak; depression has risen in the last decade to where finding a young girl or boy happy and in love with themselves is rare. How did we become like this? What changed?

I couldn’t tell you nor do I really care, but I don’t seem to find the strength to care about much these days. I’m pretty much done; in fact, I was done weeks ago, dragging the blade across my skin, deeper and deeper, until I felt myself falling into unconsciousness.

I had woken up a day later in a room of white walls and shiny metal equipment, my partner of three years, Harry, sat in a chair beside me, choking out the words “Why did you want to leave me?” over and over.

He hadn’t allowed me out of his sight since then, but I don’t know why he cares, I’m no longer there anyway, my soul is dead and all he is doing is keeping me trapped.

I love Harry, of course I do, I love him more than the stars love the moon, but it doesn’t save me, he can’t save me, he’s tried, but I can only save myself and I’m not sure that I even want to anymore.

Harry was a part of a world famous boy band, One Direction, he had been on the road for most of our relationship and he liked to blame himself for my ‘illness’ as he calls it. It’s not his fault, nor the fact that he leaves me alone, I was like this long before I met him, I just learnt to hide it very well. You see, it gets tiring hearing you friends and family say over and over “How are you (y/n)? Stay strong lovely, we love you” The answer was always the same “I’m fine” a short smile and walk away. The pity in people’s eyes when they look at you, do they think they are helping? I don’t need anybody’s help anyway, I just want to lie there and feel nothing, because feeling something hurts too much and maybe I’m weak but I don’t like the hurt, it’s too much, it makes my head shout at me, my body ache, my eyes feel heavy, I can’t cope with the pain and I just want it to stop. I tried to make it stop, but I failed at even that, I fail at everything, I can’t even keep Harry happy, he’s always so sad when he’s around me, his fans make him happy, he smiles a lot when he’s on stage, the fans know better, I know they do, the constant mean words I get thrown at me are well deserved. They know I’m no good for him and they try to make him see that, but they don’t see that I need him, I need him more than air to breathe, the pain hurts just a little less when he’s next to me.

When I was little, my daddy used to read me stories before I went to bed. They always consisted of a damsel in distress, hair so long and silky, skin so smooth and fresh, voice that made the birds sing, and a beautiful prince charming, with a dashing smile and a strong sword, upon a white horse who swooped in to save the fair lady. They would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. The story never continued after that, so you don’t get to see the princess slowly being broken, or the hero slowly loosing faith. I’m no damsel in distress, no fair lady, I’m just little o’l broken me and even though those prince charming’s have nothing on Harry, I still can’t find a savior, it’s because there is none, no saving the girl who let the world destroy her, who would want to save her anyway? I wouldn’t, it wouldn’t be worth it, what do I even contribute to the world? What’s my purpose? I don’t have one see, I’m gone, nothing is left.

I stood there on the roofs edge, looking down at the busy streets. It was quite serene, everyone down there rushing through their lives, they need to just stop for a moment, take a look around and breathe in the fresh air. The city was quite beautiful up here, it was peaceful aswell as the noises from below didn’t quite reach my ears. I knew what I was up here to do, I just wanted a few moments to take in the way the world really was before I left it for good. I wonder what is waiting on the other side, perhaps I won’t really be escaping the torture I feel here, maybe I will be punished for my weakness and spend an eternity burning from the feeling of failure. Surely god will have mercy; surely I have suffered enough, paid my debts and am now allowed to lie peacefully until the end of time.

I had left no strings untied behind, a note on the dresser in the hotel room, telling Harry that I loved him, that he was a hero, but he just wouldn’t be my hero, that he’s to move on and find someone who can actually make him happy, someone who won’t be bearing down on his heart and tearing at his soul. I left a note for him to give to my mother and father, telling them that they did a wonderful job in raising their children, but that I did something wrong along the lines and I just can’t do it anymore.

This is it, I can feel It’s over, my foot reaching forward as I take a deep breath

“Stop!”

“(y/n) no just stop please, give me a moment” I heard Harry’s voice plead behind me. I closed my eyes in frustration. This wasn’t supposed to happen, I didn’t want him to see this, he should still be across town, finishing his interview, I can’t have been up here that long.

“Please Harry, just let me go” I stepped back just a little so that I could turn to see him one last time. His face was contorted in pain as though electric shock waves were running through his body, he was slightly out of breath, I guess from running up the fire escape stairs to reach me. His eyes were blood shot read and his cheeks tear stained, with fresh ones running down them

“Just come away from the edge, we can talk about this, we can make it better, I promise” he begged

I shook my head and smiled, I wished I could turned back time, never meet him so that he never had to see the crumpled mess I’d become

“This is it Harry, I can’t do this any more, I’m not ill, I’m not fixable, I’m gone, all that’s left is a shell of a body that is finding it harder to breathe every day, it’s over Harry, I’m sorry” I said gently, trying to make him see that it was ok, we weren’t all made of what he was.

“No it’s not done with (y/n)” he spoke defiantly “I love you and you love me, that is enough to get us through, you don’t need fixing, you’re perfect, so beautiful, I just want to take your pain away, please just let me” he took a step close and I froze, causing him to do so aswell

“This is the only way to stop the pain Harry”

“No, this is me (y/n), I’ve not done enough, I haven’t shown you how much I love you, I haven’t been there enough, I-”

“You loved me more than anyone ever could” I said, cutting him off, “I just couldn’t love myself”

And then with only a few steps I was flying, falling, floating, I don’t know, I felt light, feather like light as I closed my eyes.

Harry’s P.O.V

6 months and I still see it all so clearly, the peaceful look on her face as she stepped back, the piercing scream of “No” echoing through out my body as I lunged forward to reach for her, but being too late, as always. How could I have not seen just how bad it really was, I knew she had tried before, I knew she wasn’t safe, but you never, you never actually expect to have to say goodbye to the one person you love with every fiber and every being of your body and when it happens, well you finally feel that pain they were always talking about, the one where nothing else matters. She left me a note, a note is all I have left of her, a note telling me to be happy, telling me to love again and find another, but what she never understood was that there never was, never is and never will be another like her. Nobody could match the feeling of seeing her face in a morning, sleep filled eyes and shy cute smile as she padded into the kitchen wearing only my shirt. Nobody could match the way her laugh made my insides clench and my heart expand just that bit more as I fell deeper and deeper in love with her than before.  And now she will never know just how beautiful she was to me, how the light she talked about that was inside me, was her, that was her purpose, her reason to be, it was me, I needed her and without her, I’m just a shell of a man with no hope, no dream and no more light to shine.