Thinking too much, I do it because I'm used to it. Ive done it all my life, and I've always felt stupid. I'm not stupid, but I felt that way because I was told that. I always did good & bad shit just to get reactions & now? I feel like my hearts coal black. All my life I've been confused misused & taken advantage of. Havent we all have been through shit that gets us thinking "I cant do this"? You assume that theres no fun after everything's said and done cause the pain is so much to handle. Others have talked to you but no one really knows the damage done. They think you being sad is a scandal cause you're a dunce. Until they feel it themselves and it feels like earth is Hell. you remember well, but running around the playground you arent thinking on it. You've almost forgot it seems then you hear your own scream but you didnt make a sound. Now with that thought your heart is beating on it. You hear yourself scream so you look around to see, just that you're nowhere to be found like good things with genatonic. "Trauma can really mess with you if you let it", my mama always said. I never knew what she meant til the day I woke up feeling dead. Not because of drugs nor alcohol inside me, but something that seemed worse. I had to pull my fathers hand up out my pants confused and hurt. At the time all I knew was that it wasnt right but I didnt speak of it til I was older. I told him. He claims he dont remember with tears all in his eyes, I said "dad it happened" but that I'm not sure why. He apologized and blamed the booze so I forgave him for his abuse. Never will I forget, it's like I'm on a fuckin' noose. I have to act as if it didn't happen & hug him once again. The more I try to forget the worse it fuckin gets. I've seen plenty in my life and have done a lot I shouldnt. I've given almost as much abuse as I've received but now I'm becoming prudent. Though all of it has made me want to fuckin die, I still have to accept that I am alive. I have to accept what's done is done and its dumb but although it hurts I still show love trying to remember that it could be worse. I still hear screams & at times whispers in the night, but if I just acknowledge them they go away polite. A lot of things haunt me today, but I cant let it break me. I want to feel great because great means no hate see? I dont want hate in my heart. Sometimes I dont want love either but love is the only thing that doesnt tear everything apart. Feeling great is something I have to do right? Because I should. Because of my past I feel crazy. Maybe my mind should be lazy maybe I'm thinkin too much. Yes I feel so broken & trapped it makes me want to jump to a splat but its up to me to try & fix that. Now I want to cut this brain out so I can make my way out of this lifestyle of waves both pure and tainted. I must stay pure even though I ain't it. I crave the pure waves, but life is insane and I am unsure. I express myself in so many different ways with so many emotions. I cope with everything differently but when I cant cope I keep hope while I'm hit with this ocean. It's an ocean of thoughts both negative and positive. I crave the pure waves, but I dont think I can in this brain I'm always waddlin'. When it's like this I think, "somethings really got to give besides me". I give too much & I'm vulnerable you see? I don't want to use my heart anymore because it's taken me to dark places. Its dragged me through situations I know I didnt deserve. I know now my life has more worth, more worth because I try and help people who've hurt and show them heaven on this earth but sometimes it doesnt work, and that's okay. Yes I've done awful things and I've been dragged through painful things but I have to take it day by day one step at a time. Life is short and I feel dead but I am surely alive. Nothing can replace time.
