A/n : (warring violence and self harm )
I say to my self why did I let you do it why did I let you go . My name is Kate I have a sickness I have bipolar depression I always think negative about everything specially when everyone in my life disappears My mom is still in my life but she also sick with depression and something is wrong with her heart . People say to me that my life will get better but it seem like it stays the same but there one thing that makes me more depressed my boyfriend Parker left me after he found out that I was sick I don't understand why it scares people away .maybe it the thought of me dying or me trying to do something my therapist asked me " have you had thoughts about killing your self . I looked at her with a tear in my eye and said " yes . I wasn't lying sometimes I would look in the mirror and think what if I was gone who would care would my best friend come to my funeral . I was brought to the hospital a long time ago for cutting my wrist . They thought I wasn't going to survive when I woke up in the hospital I looked around boring white wall with Machines next to me and a chair in the Conner with no one sitting in it . I didn't feel pain or sadness i was lost i wonder am I died or I'm I dreaming the doctor appeared in my room with a clipboard.she said " mrs Jones how are you feeling . I looked over to her bright red lipstick and blue eyeshadow. I said" I don't no . She wrote something down i said " what happened she said " you tried to commit suicide . As the words fell from her ruby lips I began to cry i knew I didn't want to be here but I never thought I could take that step I looked away from the doctor . She said " If you need anything buzz this and I'll come . I woke up from the day dream with hot tears coming down my cheek my mom was calling me as I stood up I looked in the mirror I walked out from my room into the living room as I walked in she was laying on the couch her face was pale and eyes red . I said " mom are you okay .I knew that answer why was I asking my mom looked at me and said "yes honey am fine . I knew she was lying I said " okay do you want anything . she said " um glass of water. I went into the kitchen and got a glass of water I went back to the living room my mom was sleeping with a tear running down her face depression has really controlled me and my mom life with my father leaving my mother when she was pregnant with me and me becoming the sick daughter always in the hospital . the hospital bills pilled up and my mom couldn't afford it .I left a note telling my mom that i was with my friends . I grabbed my sweatshirt and headed out the door .
