Millie and Amelia

Plain

All I ever was to anyone was plain and then as I dug deeper into who I was I made changes according to what I found. Which came as a shock to many people including myself. I noticed the change when I was in the seventh grade, something began to grow inside of me. And, no it was most certainly not a baby, for heavens sake no one would even dare.

However, I came into contact with a whole new life and it changed me in a way that I never thought possible. I finally found something that described me and as cringy as it was I began to develop it and make it my own. Through that time period I found myself feeling a new feeling, more than just childish love, but something drawing me deeper into a relationship than I had ever gone.

Going into eighth grade I thought the feeling that was becoming a part of me was beginning to die off until I got caught in the relationship web again. With each heartbreak I felt that feeling change and morph into something else that was already strong. But, I came to ignore it and lock it up from time to time. 

Time passed differently over the summer, I had lost two of the most influential people in my life and I gained one that I began to feel that I could express that feeling with and it wouldn't be wrong or weird. I began going to a program and spending time apart from the person I felt that part of me was safe with, and I had to force it into a corner of my mind to stay until I was able to let it free. 

I tried to understand what exactly I was dealing with, and it got so terrifying to look into that I decided it would be best to keep it locked up and forget about it all together. For such a long time I had been able to keep it that way, but when I had returned to school it seemed to fuel that beast I had to keep hidden away for so long. 

My brain had snapped and I demolished someone on complete accident thinking I was doing the correct thing. I would sit and stare into a mirror thinking about who I was looking at, because sometimes it was me but other times it was someone else who I had never seen before. Those were the times I wanted to shove my fist through the mirrors that surround me.

At home I could sit in the dark and hear someone talking as clearly as if someone were in my room with me. I would roll up into my blankets and hold myself, the fear that someone was going to jump out and attack me was consuming my brain. Little did I know that another person was forming out of that feeling I tried so hard to keep chained to a wall in the back of my mind.

Each morning I find myself waking up at 3 o'clock to stare into the darkness that was my room and feel that I wasn't alone even though I knew I was. All I could do was stare blankly into the empty space and think about what would happen if I were to die at that very second and not a soul in my house know I was gone. Not in a sense of being murdered, but more like the part of me preventing that emotion or person or whatever it may be end up being the one who gets over taken and locked away.

I believe so deeply that it gave strength to that creature that was residing in my brain and I couldn't tell anyone...