Collected

Stupid

It's so stupid, how the moment you see me, you look away, ignoring me. 

That's not the stupid part.

You turn to your friends, like the small smile I offer doesn't matter anymore. Like all the favors I've done for you - all the times I've been there for you - never existed

It's normal.

But the stupid thing is, my heart feels crushed. My hate for you sparks again, and I venomously glare at your pretty hair till you instinctively glance back. I look away. I've been staring again. 

Even stupider, I feel forlorn and lost when you walk up and ask me for something. A part of me wants to please you, to jump when you tell me to, to cut my bleeding heart and close your hands around it. The other part of me hates me for feeling like that and I feel so stupid as I smile and comply.

Why do I just melt with a smile? What devilry is this?

You like him! they tell me, patronizingly.

I shake my head vehemently. I hate him!

It's true. You make me cry, and want to strangle someone. You brings out the worse in me, make me want to shred my hair. You make me feel insignificant, and you stomp on the my heart in your hands.

And you make me laugh, and want to dance and sing. You do stupid things to see me happy, playing along with my stupid fangirl moments, calling me cute and making my heart flutter. I can pretend I'm a queen in those fleeting moments.

Do you know how many people I've pushed from my mind because your face fills my mind? Better yet, do you know how many other boys I don't think of, whether they look at me the same way I look at you, because your stupid smile is impressed on my heart? Do you care?

You don't. I know. Because to you, I don't measure up to those girls you point out and say, "She's a real cutie."

You don't look at me like that.

It hurts.

What did I do wrong? I dismissed you at first, on the basis of preserving our shaking friendship, but my stupid heart flutters whenever you're around. I pretended not to see you, and focused on priorities, but somehow your name floated to the top of my importance list.

You're haunting me!

Your warm eyes, you drown me. Your willingness to play with that insistent child, you touch me. Your stupid grin as you take my food, you fill me with warmth. 

Yet your ignorance, your blindness. You kill me. 

It's an abyss, as my heart shatters every time you smile at someone else. My mind goes crazy, possessively jealous as you turn that smile to another.

I can't say I hate you without lying.

What have you done to me. My heart constricts as your backhand comment slaps me in the face. You say you're joking, laughingly asking why I cried, that people joke about dying all the time.

If a few months ago, I considered suicide as a way out of heartbreak in my family, now I just want to cut my heart out and show you why it's bleeding. Your unsupportive words will be imprinted on it.

It's just a joke. People joke about killing themselves all the time, you'll say.

 You don't get it.

But at the same time, you do! You smiled reassuringly the moment I forced myself to wipe my eyes and laughed. You told me you would love to talk with me later. You never did, but my stupid heart swells as I remember your kind words.

Don't you know? I am a fickle creature. 

One kindness, I'll love you forever.

But till then, I will hate you to protect myself. Maybe you'll realize that faster. 

At least, you'll feel something then.