Hidden: Confessions of a Closet Lesbian

Love.

The rain was cold and hard, pouring down and soaking through my thin hoodie, I stripped it off and rung it out in my hands, I decided to keep it off, it was weighing me down any way.

Running like this hurt my calves and thighs, but really, I didn't give a shit. I felt a stitch in my side, but I ignored it, running faster.

I finally arrived at Marissa's neighborhood, now it was foggy, and the rain still poured, so it was hard to make out the houses. I actually ran into a few mailboxes, trying to see the numbers on them. 323, I needed house number 323. I scanned through the ocean of numbers.

Marissa's house finally came into view, but there were no cars in the drive, where there normally would be.

I trudged up to the door, and knocked firmly. I waited a good 5 minutes, and no one came. I pounded against it again and waited longer. Nothing. "Marissa?!" I peered through the windows to the side of the doorframe. "Fuck," I swore to myself as I turned and walked away.

A sudden idea struck me that I could check the back door, so I headed towards the backyard, vaulting over the chain link fence, and walking up the back steps. I knocked on the screen door, layered with a wooden one behind it. "Marissa, please!" I pleaded as I knocked more. The lights flicked on, and I heard someone trek down the stairs. It was a elderly gentleman. He opened the door with a confused face. "Can I help you, madam?" I stood from where I was stooped by the window, "Yes, sir, are you Marissa's grandfather or something?" I had never actually been introduced to her parents or anything, I've never even been in her house. "Why, yes, I'm here grandfather, Gerald," He took out a hand, I shook it, "Nice to meet you, sir, I need to know if Marissa's here," He placed his hands on his hips. "Well, no, I haven't seen her since this morning, is everything alright?" My heart sank, I cleared my throat to keep it from cracking, "Yes, sir, everything's fine," I muttered. "Well, that's good, have a good night, and be careful in that rain!" He waved goodbye as he shut the door, obviously he thought I had driven here, he seemed like the type of person who would've gave me a towel or something if he knew I ran in the rain after Marissa.

I huffed and sat on the sidewalk and thought where else she'd be. The thought smacked me like a train. The abandoned house! Of course. It was more that 2-3 miles away, but I ran anyway. I ran and ran until my legs felt like jello, jogged until I felt the cramps go away, then ran more. The rain kept me from being overheated, but I sure was overworked, and I needed to chill before I collapsed from overexertion.

But I couldn't, not when the love of my life was God knows where, doing God knows what. I couldn't risk losing her, I'd already let her go, and I couldn't live with myself if I lose her.

Cars would occasionally pass me, and occasionally, I would almost get ran over several times, either my fault or the rain's. I arrived at the beginning of the road leading up to the neighborhood, and I let out a sigh of relief, knowing I wouldn't have to run much longer. I jogged up to the house and entered.

"Marissa!" I screamed through the corridor. I scanned the dining room, living room and kitchen, until the last place to look was the basement. I stepped down the creaking, old stairs and called her name once more. "Marissa, where are you?" I reached the end and saw her, sitting cross-legged on the floor, head in hands. I cautiously walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Marissa?"

She turned and faced me with swollen eyes and running mascara. "What the fuck are you doing here?" She hissed at me. "I-" She cut me off, "'Don't even try with me, don't fall for me!'" She spat my own words in my face. I took a step back and grimaced at my harsh words and her unruly behavior. "Marissa...." "Save it, Shane! I knew from the start you'd fuck me over, but I pushed on anyway! You know why? Because I wanted to actually have something with you, can you believe that?! I actually thought you'd fall for me! Boy, was I wrong," The tears were coming back, and threatening to fall from her face, so she turned away and resumed her previous position.

"I was wrong." I boldly stated, my voice faltering just a bit. She stopped sobbing and turned, "What?" I cleared my throat to keep from breaking. "I was wrong," I repeated. "Fuck you," She pushed me away. "Don't do this shit to me." She hugged herself. I reached for her. "But, Marissa, I'm not-" She slapped my hand away. "Don't bullshit me, Shane!" I was starting to get angry, I ran my hands through my hair. "Marissa, do you honestly think I would traverse through the fucking pouring down rain, running as fast as my damn legs would carry me, stop at your house to ask where you were, and then run all the way over to the last place I could've found you, and then bullshit you?!" She looked a little frightened, but then it quickly turned to anger, too. "Your lying, you didn't do all that shit," She clenched her fists. I gestured to my soaking wet clothes. "What the fuck is this then?!" She turned towards me and clenched her teeth so hard, I thought she'd pull a muscle in her jaw, she opened her mouth to speak, but closed it. "Say it." I said through gritted teeth.

All of the sudden, all her features just loosened and tears threatened to fall. I loosened too, and held her as she practically fell in my arms. Her chest was heaving as she sobbed louder. "Baby, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped like that," I apologized, rubbing her back. "I just fucking love you so much," She sobbed into my chest. I sighed and looked off at the kitchen doorway. "You know it's hard for me to be emotional and have connections like this," I held her tight.

She cried harder, and it killed me every second she did. "But from the moment I saw you walk into the room, I knew I fucking loved you."

And you know, falling in love is not the hardest thing to do, it's desperately holding on to that love and wanting that person to love you too. I used to think love was smoke and mirrors, and nobody ever truly loved. But it's so much more than that, it's not just the act of love that defines it, but it's how you treat it, how you carry it out and profess it to your partner, it's got nothing to do with the act itself.

The End