Chapter Twenty-Three
Joelle
"My cousin is in town visiting. You should give him a shot," Luke grinned mysteriously towards me right before our morning meeting with our group. It was five thirty, and I truly wished I was back home in bed with Frankfurt, my super cuddly, super large stuffed teddy bear.
"I'm good, thanks Luke." I rolled my eyes, forcing a short laugh out of my lips.
"Don't forget, she has that One Direction boy now." Kate giggled happily as she handed me a venti coffee from Starbucks. "Remember? He came in last week with roses! You guys are so sickeningly adorable together."
"Can't say I'm surprised. Why haven't you told us?" Luke nudged me, a twinkle in his eyes.
"Because there's nothing to tell. He was a friend for a little while, and one of my friends is close with him."
It wasn't a lie. Capris and I were friends now, and Capris and Zayn have been talking all the time, at least I assumed so from all the magazines plastered with her face. I really didn't feel like delving into the whole 'we dated, I broke up with him, and he'll probably hate me forever' thing.
"He was a friend?" Kate's eyebrow popped up and I'm sure it couldn't have gone any higher.
"Yeah. We talked for a little while as friends, but he's too busy. He's a popstar, you know." I made myself smile, acting as if nothing was wrong.
Kate must have realized I didn't want to talk about it, she shrugged with a slight frown on her face before she headed out of the conference room. Luke had two eyebrows raised at me in question, and I shrugged it off. Carrie started talking, attempting to bring the meeting to order, so I turned to face her while taking a sip of my coffee.
I already felt like crap and it wasn't even six am yet. Seemed like every day was simply a repeat of the day before, and they all just reminded me I no longer had Zayn.
~
"You just don't get it, Blake. It has nothing to do with you, please just drop it." I sighed out, refusing to look my brother in the eyes. He had this annoyed, yet sad, look in his eyes that made me want to just crumple into a ball and start crying.
He came over at two pm, once I had gotten off work, barging in with questions pouring out of his mouth. It made me regret not telling him sooner of what had happened between the Bradford boy and I, but once he started lecturing I remembered why I hadn't told him.
Blake didn't get it. My parents didn't get it. Nobody got it. They couldn't understand why I didn't want to let Zayn in. It went so much deeper than the fact he was a popstar, or the fact that I liked being independent.
"What's not to get, Jo?!" Blake said in exasperation. His voice was practically begging me to look him in the eyes, but I just couldn't. I already knew what his face would look like, and I couldn't deal with that. "You're in love with him and you're too afraid to admit it. You can't let yourself be cared for, and you don't want to disappoint him. What's not to get? What I don't understand is why you won't just tell me the truth instead of making up these ridiculous lies."
Something in me snapped. Frustrated, I cried out. "Yeah, I'm in love with him, okay? Are you happy now? That I know how much I care about that stupid boy and how I know I'll only ever break his heart? I come with way too much baggage, Blake. No one out there in their right mind would sign up to be with a girl like me, I'm too screwed up. There's a girl for him, it's just not me."
"You won't let it be you, Jo. That's where you're wrong. It could be you, it might as well be you, but you're so scared of letting him see you like this," at that moment he fanned out his arms in a gesture to me, sitting on the couch with tears streaming down my face, "That you won't let it be you. There's nothing wrong with you, you've only convinced yourself there is. You're a strong, confident, independent person and there are guys lining up to be with you, but all you ever do is shut them out."
It was silent in my apartment, except for the occasional sniffle that came from me, and I wrestled with my thoughts. Blake had a point, but I had spent too much of my life feeling this way that I couldn't just change, I couldn't just accept Zayn's love. Either he or I would end up heartbroken in the end, there was no way around it, and I didn't want to lose him. No way was I going to let myself lose him.
"Is this because of your parents?" Blake asked it so softly that I had to struggle to hear him. He seemed slightly scared of bringing up the tabooed subject, yet the firmness in his voice demanded I answer it.
"No," I said weakly, knowing he'd see right through my lie.
"Tell me the truth."
"A little." I finally admitted.
"Things like that happen,I know what happened was tragic and you'll never say it out loud, but I know it still haunts you. But think of our parents. Twenty eight years together, and they love each other the same as they did when they first met. Probably more so. Not all relationships end like your parents did." Blake sat beside me, his arm bumping into mine.
"I can't lose him."
"Can't you see, Joelle?" Blake sighed as if it was obvious.
I turned to him, wiping a tear out of my eye. "See what?"
"You've already lost him."
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