The year was not important and the setting? New York. A dirty bar on the outside, the pouring rain beating against the grubby windows. This was no ordinary bar though. This bar housed the most famous of the Tales, a fairy race living incognito in the modern world. The Tales, swayed by the common vices humans encounter, are a quiet, closed group. With so many people living in disguise, so close together, fights were bound to break out. And so they did.
A bar, filled with creatures from the stories you read to your children. The piano is played in a corner by a prostitute. A prostitute with a red coat. Hood has come a long way from the innocent girl that brought cookies to her grandmother.
In the corner is a huge heavyset man with wild hair and wilder eyes. The man is only known as Ogre and is the mythical beast of old. On a balcony is a tall, skinny man, in a black overcoat and Aviator shades is the Wolf. The Big Bad Wolf has a short temper, an axe to grind and coincidentally, an axe.
The door slams open, and in walks a leprechaun. Patrick is a leprechaun who gets mercilessly teased about his small stature. He sits at the bar, assisted by Jack, who is sitting with his girlfriend Jill. The barman, Colin, is a man with a face like a pig. This isn’t to say he is an ugly man, but he has a pig snout instead of his nose. He is one of the three little Pigs, with his brother Bob and other brother Andrew, who had built their houses out of sticks and straw, and were subsequently eaten by the Wolf.
“What will it be, Paddy?” Colin asks.
“The regular.”
“Elves blood it is then”
The Wolf goes to sit with the Ogre, but is stopped by Colin, who stares at him and asks in a low voice, “Do I know you?”
“I’m pretty new in town, bub.”
“No, I know you from somewhere.”
Wolf turns and growls. Colin puts down the glass he is holding and clenches his fist. At the same time, Hood slows down the jaunty piano music.
Ogre gets up and Paddy turns, slowly. Wolf stride towards Colin, leans across the bar and says, in a firm voice “No, you don’t know me.”
Paddy drops from the bar stool and looks up to Wolf. “You don’t know what you’re messin’ with boyo. I’d calmly suggest you’d be on ya way now.”
Wolf stares at him. Paddy’s ginger hair blows in the gentle breeze coming from the ajar door.
Paddy gazes into the eyes of the fearsome predator and grins. Wolf grins back and growls, “Listen here, you pint-size prick, you do not tell me what to do. I am the Big Bad Wolf. I-”
At this point he is cut off by a vicious uppercut from Colin.
“I freakin’ knew it! You killed my brothers, you bastard!”
“No! I-” Smack!!
Paddy grabs Colin’s arm and looks at him.
“No Colin, it’s not worth another brush with the sheriff, just kick him out man.”
“You wanna step outside, Bitch?” the Wolf slurs. “ I will wreck you, you’re nothing, you-”
“Shut the hell up, scum.” A powerful voice booms.
The ogre grabs Wolf, and smashes him into the wall. Plaster falls onto Wolfs head, and the lights flicker. “You think it’s funny to pick on people because they’re different?”
“Sheriff, I-I-I d-don’t mean no harm!!!” Wolf spits out.
Ogre growls and glares at the Wolf.
Paddy drops Colin’s arm and walks up to the Ogre. “Sheriff Ogre, he didn’t want to cause a fight.
“Yeah… He didn’t.”
Ogre drops Wolf and rounds on Paddy. “You did!”
He steps towards the quaking leprechaun and snarls in his face. Colin steps in front of the small creature and pushes the gigantic Ogre away from his friend. “Leave him alone, big guy.”
Ogre grabs Colin by his grubby apron and throws him across the room, shouting a primal scream. Wolf gets up, and Paddy kicks him in the shins, flooring him again. Then the leprechaun attempts rugby tackle the massive Ogre, attacking his tree trunk size legs. Ogre simply kicks him into the already dented wall, and grabs Wolf.
“No, no, Sheriff, put me down man, don’t you think I’ve had en-” Ogre slams him into the floor and stomps on his arm, snapping it in two. He screams and grabs it. Fortunately, Tales have a rapid regeneration factor, as they are often killed in combat with other Tales. Fights like this.
With a rough snap, Wolfs arm crunches back into place. “Come on then, you fat little-”
Ogre punches Wolfs face, literally denting it. Wolf collapses. A Blind Mouse and Red Hood leave the room, hand in hand.
Ogre grabs the piano and slams it into Wolf, who groans and crawls for the door. Colin grabs ogres arm and pulls him away, but Ogre gives him a powerful uppercut, which dislocates his lower jaw. Colin flies across the room and lands face down on a table. Paddy smashes a bottle on the bar and stabs Ogre in the leg, dropping him onto one knee. Ogre roars, and grabs Paddy by the collar, sliding him across the floor, which is covered in broken glass. Colin launches himself across the room, landing a two handed punch which knocks Ogre onto his knees. The floor shudders and the lights bounce in their sockets. Wolf rolls out of the way just in time, and the sound of crunching glass is swiftly followed by an ear shattering roar as Ogre slams his fist onto Colin’s head. Colin’s skull cracks and he whimpers and staggers across the bar, leaving a trail of blood in his footsteps. Paddy runs at Wolf and leaps towards his head. He lands a bone-crunching head-butt, and falls to the ground. Ogre grabs the semi-conscious Wolf and hurls him through the door. Literally through the door. He smashes through the flimsy wood and into the busy road. The sound of car horns fills the night air. Colin rears up from the bar, his shattered skull fixing into place. He pulls up a double barrelled shotgun and points it directly at Ogres head. Ogre roars and grabs the barrel, twisting it down and yanking the offending firearm out of Colin’s surprised grip. Ogre then smashes Colin around the head with the heavy oak butt, and Colin drops like a sack of leprechaun gold.
Paddy stands up and shakes off the broken glass.
“Oh gods above man, never, ever, ask me to go drinking with you again.”
Ogre growls. “Shut the hell up, you glorified dwarf.”
Paddy’s eyes widen and he bristles indignantly. “Dwarf?”
Suddenly a hole appears above Ogre, a hole that seems to be made out of rainbow. Ogre looks up, a strange look of puzzlement crossing his huge face. A pot of gold coins drops like a tonne of bricks from the portal and lands on Ogre, knocking him onto the floor, and knocking him unconscious.
“There’s ya tip, Colin my man.”
Colin grabs the bar and peers over blearily. “Pleasure having your company, Paddy.”
The End
Thanks for reading this little story.
