Midlife lovelife

Chapter 1: Dumped

"Hindi na ako sasaya sayo. Kahit babalik ako, aalis at aalis pa din ako dahil hindi na ako sasaya sa piling mo kahit kailan. Sya na ang pinipili ko."
("I will never be happy with you. Even if i will go back, i will always leave you time and again because i will never be happy with again. I have chosen her.")

"Mahal mo na ba sya? Mahal ka din ba nya?"
("Do you love her? Does she love you back?")

"Iniisip nya kayo."
("She's thinking about you and the children.")

And just like that, i have been dumped. I have been dumped by the only man in my life ever.

He was my first and only boyfriend. He started courting me during college, lost contact after graduation, saw each other again in the city, and there we started life together. I thought it was the right time, he's working while i look for mine. I just passed the board exam, resigned from my post in another city, and trying to find a new job in a bigger world. We were officially together March 2004.

And then my sister secured me a job in the province. Left without a choice but to obey, i went home and started working there. Memories were made along the way. Happy ones, sad ones, loving ones, difficult ones. But mostly happy. Or i was just too in love. I was a very young 21 year old professional then. Naive, that was the first time i had a relationship, and so deeply in love and infatuated, i did everything i could  to make the relationship work. Four years gone and i found myself pregnant. January of 2008 a pregnancy kit confirmed that the changes i feel in my body then were actually manifestations of pregnancy.  There was no other way to deal with the circumstance but to get married, and so we did February 2008. He met an accident july 1st, i gave birth August. He can barely walk when i got home holding our first child. One hell of a rollercoaster ride yes it was but we survived. Several years after, i decided its time for a second child, so we tried, and blessed with a baby girl.

She was only a year old when her father decided he no longer wanted me, and that our children will have to learn to accept that fact. 

And just like that, our family has been broken. Just like that, my children will grow up in a broken home. So sudden, so abrupt, i have become a separada. I refused to accept this.. i decided i have all the right to fight. That i must fight for this family, if not for myself, i should do this for my children. They certainly dont deserve a broken family. No child does.  And so i did everything i can. I begged, i got mad, i pleaded, i screamed, i cried, i laughed, i smiled, i prayed. Oh my, how i prayed. I have never prayed so fervently for anything in my life ever. I went to Quiapo Church, i went to Padre Pio Church, i attended novena every wednesday afternoon, i read novena and prayer books every night. All for my family to be whole and complete again. But they kept posting photos telling me otherwise. He's happy with his new found liberty and love. At my lowest, most desperate move i used my children to lure him back. I begged in the name of our children, yet he didnt budge.

I was so broken.. still is actually. I found myself not being able to sleep for 3 consecutive months, not being able to eat and constantly nauseous.  I lost weight, and strength. I cant even hold my baby when she cries at night. That was so heartbreaking for me but i was left with no option, i relied to my younger sister. With the pounds, i also lost the passion in my heart and the fire in my soul, so is my focus, my dreams, everything. When i lost him, i lost my whole world.

My dear dear father got so worried he forced me to go to a good hospital and be checked. The devastation left me diagnosed with Clinical Depression, i started medication and therapy. Again, i used my condition to have him return to me. Instead, he got mad that i am sick.

"Ang daming gumagawa ng ganito dito, hindi naman nagkakasakit ang mga asawa nila sa Pilipinas."
("So many men here bahave the way i do, but why are their wives not reacting and getting sick like you do")

so heartbreaking...