The Adventures of Two Crappy Cops

Part 1

We rolled up to the house in style. With our lights flashing and All Star by Smash Mouth blaring out our windows of course. "WHATS UP YA BUTTERCUPS" I yelled as me and my partner John, or Kryoz, got out of our police rover. "Could you not? For once?" One of our coworkers said, "This is a crime scene for crying out loud."

"We could Susan," John said from beside me "but that's what the government wants us to do and we've already caved to them to much." Susan turned to me with a look that said 'I swear to god if you don't shut him up I'll express my feminine rights and kick his baloney poney so hard it shoots out his forehead' I coughed to cover my laugh and started towards the house with John in tow.

When we got in the house we where met by the smell of decay, and the boss along with Private Detective Balker. We stopped next to the body and I crouched down to investigate further. "Female, about 6"3', medium length dark red hair, purplish skin, pale nails and lips, blue feet, pooling blood." I reached out and attempted to bend her finger. "Rigor mortis has set in, her body feels around 20 something degrees. She's been dead for up to four hours." I deduced. "Any sign of a murder weapon?" John asked as he walked around the house looking at various things as his bleach blond hair glinted in the lights.

"How about you worry about keeping the public out like you should be and leave the investigative stuff to those who are actually supposed to do that." Detective Balker sneered. "Well we could do that or we could work to solve this together since both me and my partner went to school for detective studies anyways." John pointed out. Balker is another lovely member to our hate club. Personally I think he's just pissy because John and I manage to solve cases before he does.

"Work with you clowns? Maybe Smitty but you? You're entirely useless without your partner. Honestly Smitty I don't understand why you even stick around with him. You could go big!" Balker argued. My eye twitched in anger but I kept my tone calm and almost uncaring as I said "John is my partner, there are many like him but he is mine" in a horrible African accent.

Balker threw his hands in the air and stalked out. "Was that really necessary you two?" The boss said frustrated and then he followed Balker out. "They still didn't tell about a murder weapon." John said appearing beside me. "We can hit Christian up about that when we get back." I said as I stared down at the body.

John put his hand on my shoulder and I could feel his eyes on me as he spoke, "you don't need to stick up for me ya know, I know I'm holding you back." I frowned and my eyebrows furrowed together. "John that's not true, you're incredibly smart. I'm sure you've figured out a billion things by now." "The only thing I've figured out is she needs some milk."

I couldn't hold back my laughter this time.