Lush Thoughts

Should I Do It?

CHARACTER AESTHETIC

❀❀❀

I look down at the sharp object as I slice at my own porcelain coloured skin. I clench my teeth, and shut my eyes as I feel the warmth of blood trickle down my arm.

I smile, knowing this is my drug. That this is my addiction.

This is my escape. My escape from my head, my thoughts that constantly tear through my head. It doesn't stop. It doesn't end. It never will.

Every punch, every word, every scar that's been thrown my way, leaves me thinking I deserve this pain. That I deserve to die. But, do I?

I can't live with myself anymore. Why am I alive?

I have nothing to live for and in my seventeen years of living, I've realized that my life has been a never ending road. Just black nothingness.

No one's been there for me and even if they were, they'd always end up leaving me. Most of the time, it was when I needed someone the most. Just a little sign that someone cared was all I really wanted, still do.

I look around my bathroom and notice my bland walls. My focus turns back to the sharp object that I hold against my arm.

Should I do it? Will I do it?

I want to but I'm afraid of death. Ironic isn't it. A suicidal girl who's afraid to die.

I just want someone to do it for me but I know that I'll have to do it myself.

I sit in my bathroom with no motivation to leave but motivation to do something. I should do it but what would everyone else think? What would they do when they would find out? Pity me or laugh at how I'm a coward and how I couldn't take it anymore. I never could take it.

I want to escape from my mind. I want to be free from the voices that tell me to cut open my skin, make me crave the pain from the sharp edge of the metallic knife. I should, I'm just a burden to society. To the people around me.

There's this feeling I get every time I look in the mirror. It's as if I am staring at a miserable, tired stranger. It's as if I feel dead on the inside and I'm just a ghost living in a body I don't recognize.

This craving for pain, I deserve it. I move my gaze from the bland wall towards the bathtub. I grasp onto the sink behind me and pick myself up. I feel light-headed. I look in the mirror. Dark irises stare back at me. I look back at the tub and walk towards it. My thin blood-covered arms grab onto the side and I push myself onto it. I turn it on. The tub slowly fills up with cold water. I want the pain to stop. As the water makes it to the center of the tub, I slowly sink in and cherish the slight stings I receive from the water. My bleeding cuts burn.

As time goes by, I watch as the water turns red and my body begins to shake. I feel shivers run down my back. I close my eyes and live in whatever the moment is.

❀❀❀

Time goes, I stay. I lay in the same spot, shivering, swimming in my own blood. I open my eyes and look at my clothed body. My skin has turned whiter; I feel my bottom lip shake. I'm cold. But do I want to get out?

I want to stay exactly where I am, no one to help, alone, and suffering. But, there's this feeling of hope in me. Hope that I'll end up okay in the end, whether dead or alive. I'm fine with both endings.

However, every story ends, mine just may end earlier then everyone else thought. Whatever happens tonight, happens. I'm not regretting anything.

I smile at my thoughts and continue to shiver. The end is bound to happen. Why not make it now?

❀❀❀

I don't feel the hands that grab my arms and pull my body out of the freezing cold tub. I barely have time to react before I am bombarded with questions from a distant yet recognizable voice.

"Are you okay?"

"Can you breathe?"

"Get her warm!"

I feel whoever was here begin to remove the clothes I had on and replace them with dry yet warmer clothes. A warm blanket covers my body.

"Oh my god. She's bleeding."

Another rough voice speaks. "She's lost a great amount of blood. We need to get her to the hospital. She has a chance of dying." 

"Ma'am, how did you know she was hurt."

"I heard her screaming. The walls are thin." No one else speaks. 

"Oh dear, why would you do this to yourself." I knew that voice. It was my elderly neighbor.

"Because it was my only escape." Were my last words until everything went black. But I knew, I was smiling.